On Holidays and Things (except not really)

I just don't understand how anyone lives life without being constantly depressed and hopeless.  I don't see the point.  I just don't get it.  There's nothing to look forward to because I don't believe in the kingdom of heaven or the glory of god.  And sure, there are cool things coming up in my life.  Places to see, people to visit, things to learn.  But then after that it's right back to the constant, agonizing grind that is work and everyday life.

And I just don't understand where you find the motivation to combat this.  Days like today I can't bear the thought of doing this for the rest of my life.  I'm trying to relax and have a good time, but when I'm not working I'm bored, and when I am working, I just want to be done and have some free time.  When everyone's doing something else and actually having a good time (for the most part anyway, I hope), I hate being alone, and I'm beset by dreadful loneliness.

I need to read more, right now.  I need to crack open a good book and get sucked into something new because this is unbearable.  I've tried to do a number of different things but no one is around or interested.  So here I am, all by myself, not knowing what to do.  And I'm dreading the return to reality that Monday will bring, with the stress of work, the pressure of success, and the utter lack of any sort of end for this feeling. 

I was so excited to be here, but now I'm just lonely again.  Everyone finds people to spend time with except for me and it's once again back to self-loathing.  I hate this inability to find or maintain happiness, and especially the issues that stop me from meeting/befriending people, because god damn it I miss having people to do things with.  I miss knowing that if I wanted to do something, I could call someone, or I could at least find someone to talk to.

But now I've got nothing.  It's just me and the demons of loneliness and inadequacy and it fucking sucks.  I really don't know how people lead their lives like this.

Repeat after me

The things you have tried do not make you a great or terrible person.  They are just things.