I Shouldn't Want to Apologize

I've been a bit absent lately.  Not absent-minded.  Just absent.  I haven't been blogging as much as I should be, here or elsewhere.  I've just had a lot to do, and I've been busy doing it.  That's all.  When I came back here, I wrote immediately that I have a lot to do and blogging is going on the back burner, and that's where it is right now.  I'm still making an effort to blog more or less regularly, but it's not enough to keep me up late anymore.

I still feel bad about it, even though I shouldn't.  I have been busy, though.  A lot has happened in the past few days, I've had three and a half million (approximately) ups and downs emotionally, mentally, and in any other imaginable way.  I don't know.  It's been a weird and messy and complicated week, following up on last week which was just blurry and not at all logical, which, as you might imagine, led to a few less-than-pleasant consequences this week.

I think I'm starting to get things together.  Hopefully.  I'm still getting used to this, and it honestly feels like it's taking me entirely too long to adjust to a new place, given that it's been exactly a month now, and in some ways it's thoroughly familiar and pleasant by now, but in other respects, I either really miss where I was before or just can't adjust to this.  And I honestly think it's going to pass.  In part because I just don't know what I'd do if it doesn't.

I mean, it's not terribly hard.  I'd figure it out.  I'd get things together and create a plan for what happens next, whether I make myself adjust or go elsewhere or whatever it took.  But I'd just rather it not get there.  And I have to admit, everything is going by very smoothly, very pleasantly.  I like it this way.  I do think I feel a bit less out of place than I did before, especially at the very beginning.  The nice thing about huge places is that even after a while, nobody knows you, who you are, who you were, or any of it.

I like being the stranger who blends into a crowd, the mysterious person on the edge of the circle.  I don't want to be the center of attention, I don't need to be noticed or have three hundred best friends.  I'm happy with a few people I get along with and can enjoy myself around.  That's good enough for me, and I think I'm starting to find it here.  Even if it took a little while.

Magical Rhythm

To be fair though, this place has a magic of its own sometimes.  It doesn't come in bursts or spurt through the soul unexpectedly, though.  It's a more controlled mysticism.  It's soft and smooth and vibrant, this flow of energy under everything that sometimes bubbles to the surface in a rush of joy that steals an entire day from under you and carries you away.

Today was one of those days.  Just the sort of thing where I could put on music, and get into a rhythm, and just sit there, swaying to the energy, getting so much done.  Even the things that were frustrating couldn't dissuade me.  It was a peaceful but energetic sort of tempo, and it encompassed my whole day.  Running back and forth, doing this and that, changing plans, making new ones, looking forward to things in the future.

I'm happy right now.  These days are more common here than they were before.  It's easier for me to get enthralled by something and spend hours dancing with it, exploring it, learning anything I can about it.  Then again, it's also easier for me to get stuck at something, to not be able to move past whatever may be standing in the way of my mind.  But days like today make me feel like that's just part of the adjustment.

I think I'm learning to get past days like that and move on to other things, and try again later when they make more sense or are more likely to work.  It's been a good day.  I hope this trend continues for as long as possible, because I could certainly use this kind of motivation.

Autumn

It smells the same here.  Walking back from dinner, with the sun going slowly down, wearing the same sweatshirt I borrowed a year ago, it felt familiar again.  The crisp air, the chill breeze, the familiarity of warmth flooding over frigid, rosy cheeks, it hasn't changed.  I don't like this season, but I do like the comfort of it all.  It's not the same and I know it never will be.  Nonetheless, it's not new, and that's something I've been craving a bit lately.

* * *

I miss that bench and that pond and that hill and the grass where we first had sex because face it, it was having sex not making love because the love was already there and having sex didn't change it and didn't make it any more or less so.  I miss that place because it gave you to me and me to you and because it was magical and when I say it was magical I mean that some things happened that I'll never forget and some things felt the way they're never going to feel again because that's just the way it works.

And it's not that I want back how confusing it all was or how much it all hurt and how many times we hurt ourselves and each other and her and her and me and you and everyone else around us, but I just miss the magic and I miss the moments and I miss the feeling of not knowing what's going to happen ever again and standing behind the pond hugging for way too long even though we shouldn't have and being pressed against you in the corridor and nervously laughing at everything you said and listening to your music because it meant I was learning about a piece of you.

I miss the process of getting to know you and falling in love, of the cascade of steady little pieces trickling down from when we first talked about her on that bench to when I told you I loved you in the same place so many months later.  Or maybe it wasn't really that many.  I'm never going to miss that place because of what it was, in the strictest, most literal sense.  But I'm always going to miss it because that's where I grew up, that's where I became the person I am, that's where I learned how to love and how to hurt and how to break.

So even though it's really nice to know how to be functional and make things work and be happy where I am and not be breaking, part of me is always going to miss the magic of the time and place where I was.  It defines me in the same way she defines a piece of you, because if it weren't for that, you could never have been the same person, and even if it's not something I want to relive, it's something I think about often, miss a good bit, and will never forget.

* * *

My deepest apologies for the gush of emotion that came many hours after I started this post.  It just happens sometimes.  I hope you don't mind too much.

Quirks and Uncooperative Places

Something about tonight made me miss where I used to be.  That's not necessarily a bad thing.  Part of me wants to say that I'm still adjusting to this, still getting used to it and all that, but I wonder if that hasn't been the case for a little too long for it to be valid anymore.  Then again, maybe it just takes me a while.  To be fair, that does match my past experiences, this slow adjustment thing.  But it doesn't really make me feel better in the moment.

Sometimes it just feels like I picked the wrong place to spend the next couple of years of my life.  Part of it agrees with me perfectly, but the large majority of it, the pieces that are the real 'life' of the place, so to speak, just...isn't my thing.  And that's not necessarily bad, but I just haven't found that many people in the same situation as me yet.  I'm trying to work hard and do interesting and useful things, and it feels like this lack of belonging is just getting in the way, even though it isn't too closely related.

But that's life.  It has its ups and downs.  So I'm just adjusting to this, slowly, steadily, I think, I hope.  I'll figure it out eventually, I'm pretty sure.  It's just going to take a bit of time.  And, to be fair, even if I don't, I can always go elsewhere.  So maybe it won't be ideal, but I'm confident that I can at least figure things out, which is always a good thing.

Getting Lost in a Familiar Place

I'm not sure why I thought of this now of all times, but I guess some things are just conducive to particular thought patterns or emotional responses.  I miss wandering down corridors I've never been in around a familiar building, or sitting in a long-forgotten corner that I haven't been in.  I miss the exploration of it, even if everything was familiar.

The odd thing is, nothing here is really familiar yet.  It is all yet to be discovered, new, interesting, unexplored.  And yet here we are, not doing any discovering.  That makes me sad in a way.  Part of me really misses the anticipation of it, the excitement, and even the heartbreak.  I've said it before and I'll say it again: stability is nice, but I miss the adrenaline-inducing experiences of those unstable times.

I need a new adrenaline rush.  I'm not taking any risks in my personal life, nor do I want to.  My professional life, so to speak, is doing just fine and I'm perfectly okay not sabotaging it.  Everything feels pretty smooth for the most part.  This is really approaching the sort of life I could always picture myself living and would be perfectly happy maintaining a good while in the future (with a few slight modifications).  I'm really happy with the way things are going right now.

Alright, so I have no right to complain.  None whatsoever.  And to be fair, it's not that I really want to.  I guess I was just feeling nostalgic for a bit, and maybe still am.  That's okay, though.  It's been happening less often, which is probably a good thing, knowing me.  Things are looking up and I hope they continue that way.

Old Phrases and Forgotten Words

I don't think you realize it.  Just those three words so simple, so insignificant, even, and yet they have the potential to hurt so much.  And you won't read this in the near future, and by the time you do, you will have no idea what it was about, and even I might have forgotten the meaning of this, but those are three words that I don't think I'll forget.

You scare me sometimes.  I've said it before and I'll say it again and again.  It continues to be true.  It's not even necessarily a bad thing, it's just that I worry about you.  I worry about you a lot.  And you need to stop worrying about that, but I'm not going to stop worrying about you.  Which is a little hypocritical and illogical, but that's the way people are, and I reserve the right to remain that way.

You say some things that worry me.  You do others that worry me more.  And I don't always know what to say or what to do or how to react.  So I'm not terribly skilled with people, and I don't really know how to be comforting or kind, but I just know that I love you, and I don't want anything to happen to you, and that some things just scare me.  Some words just stick with me long after you say whatever it is that bothers me.  But that happens, I guess.  I just don't ever want you to feel that way again.

~I want out.~

Full Corners and Empty Rooms

It's not that I'm in a lull right now or anything.  Lull...is that the right word?  I'm pretty sure it is, but it just doesn't sound right.  I'm just tired and have a headache.  And at those points in my life, my thoughts revert back to loneliness and emptiness and a little bit of depression.  I'm not really unhappy, just feeling a little bit empty.  I don't know why I feel so empty, really it's not so much that I do but that I know I will as soon as I leave.

Or maybe I just won't leave.  I feel like that's part of it--that not knowing where I am going to be in a little while, or what I will be doing at any given point in time.  I'm just tired, and I never know how to act or feel when I'm tired.  Sometimes, when I have enough work, I just feel overwhelmed.  And while I'm not at that overwhelmed stage right now, I get the impression I'm steadily approaching it.  I know it would probably be good for me to go to bed before that happens, though.

Whether I will or not, well...that's another question entirely.  I've never been terribly good about going to bed at an entirely reasonable hour.  I've gotten better about it since a year ago, to be fair, but a large part of it is just that I'm past that particular stage in my life.  I'm rather glad of that.  Silly though it may sound, growing up, getting older, that sort of thing, which I feel like should sometimes not even apply to me at this age, still happens.  It's refreshing.

The human brain can continue producing new neurons throughout life, which is a fairly recent discovery (I'm not entirely sure what the 'recent' bit entails, but it's what I've heard, so I'm sticking with it).  It's nice to know that people can still change even after many, many years of any given thing.  Humans are more flexible than we give them credit for more often than not.  That's generally a good thing, I'd like to think, as much as I lack trust in people myself.

I miss some people right now.  Or maybe it's just the close relationships of a certain sort that I really miss.  It's just tonight.  I know I'll get over it.  But in the meantime, I should really get some rest.  Good night.

I Forgot To Blog...Again

I've been legitimately busy.  So at least I have a reason for forgetting now, unlike over the summer when I just wouldn't feel like saying anything.  And I've got plenty to say, but I feel like I don't have the time to say it, especially given all the time I spend saying that I don't have the time to say anything (a bit counterintuitive, no?), so I might as well just get started now.

I wish you realized how much you mean to me.  I know I'm not the best at showing it, especially not when I'm as busy as I have been lately.  I just feel very overwhelmed when I have this much to do, even though I know that it's perfectly manageable and I just have to sit down and start it.  But that doesn't change the fact that I think you're absolutely wonderful and wish you understood how much you meant to me.

And then I went and set this aside for a couple of hours because I decided to finish some work I needed to do.  So now that I'm back from that, I lost my train of thought.  I'm sorry, I'm insanely busy and tired right now.  I think I've got most of the workload under control now, though.  I think.  So I hope that maybe in a little bit, I'll be able to get back to decent writing.  In the meantime, my sincerest apologies.

Maybe Long Post Titles Are Correlated With More Hits?

Okay, that's probably untrue, but I have been getting a lot more hits lately.  My stats are almost up to the levels they used to be at before those wonderful weeks or months of forgetfulness on my part, and I know at least one of the people who used to be a regular reader has stopped reading for the most part (if not entirely).

So I have no idea where all of the page views are coming from, but hey, I'm not complaining.  To be fair, it doesn't really matter to me how many people do or don't read my writing.  I've said it before, I'll say it again, I don't write for anybody else, I just write for me.  It's good practice, if nothing more.

Anyway, I'm unusually sleepy for this time of night (especially taking into account the different time zone), so I think I'm going to go collapse shortly.  My apologies for the short post, but I'm glad I at least managed to write a second one today.  Oh, and I had something else I wanted to say, but that can wait until morning.  Good night.

So I Guess I'm Worse At This Than I Thought

In case you couldn't tell, I forgot to blog last night.  I got caught up in a few things and tried to go to bed a little bit early, and somewhere in there, this just slipped my mind.  Today is a little bit stressful, if more or less pleasant on the whole.  And, to be fair, after about 3 pm today, it is the weekend.  Which of course still leaves me with plenty to do, but is nonetheless nice.

The other night, I put up a string of LED lights around my desk.  They make for wonderful ambient light, and while they're a little too dim to read by, they still contrast the harsh glow of my computer screen really nicely.  They're also soft enough to let other people in the room sleep if they want to, which is always appreciate by those trying to get some rest.

My bulletin board is growing in terms of the number of post-its appearing seemingly magically all over it, listing times and dates and locations.  Life is really starting to fill up, which is pleasant for the most part.  No, pretty much entirely pleasant. It makes for long days sometimes, but I never feel like I have nothing to do, so that's greatly appreciated.

Life is good, generally.  Some things are frustrating, but I like how things are going on the whole.  So on that note, I'm going to wrap this up and hopefully post again later today to make up for the lack of posts yesterday.  Have a wonderful day!

Sometimes I Feel Like My Post Titles Should Be The Names Of Songs

I actually meant to do a post one day (this was a while ago) made up entirely of sentences or phrases from song lyrics.  That (obviously) never happened though.  I still think it's a really neat idea and would love to do it at some point when I have more time.  I'd do it this weekend or something, but I feel like I really need to make it good, so I'll wait until I can give it the time it deserves.

As an update to yesterday's post, today was in fact better.  I felt better throughout, and despite one meeting that was almost torturous in length, it was a fairly pleasant day on the whole.  My workload seems to be approaching a steady point, which is quite nice, and I'm busy without being overwhelmed, which is generally a place I like to be.

I'm back to blogging every day, it seems (watch, I'll do something stupid and forget tomorrow, or something).  Anyway, I'm going to get back to my work now because there's quite a bit of it and I'd really appreciate getting to sleep at a decent hour (because that hasn't happened terribly often lately).  Good night.

My Post Titles Are Getting Longer Every Day

I have no idea why, but I've observed the trend.  It seems as good as anything to put for a title, if only because it is appropriate.  Fitting?  I'm not sure which word I'd rather use.  I'm rambling again.  It's just been one of those days.  One of those where it seems like the only thing that'll fix it is sleep.  Which is probably a good thing.  I can get sleep tonight, because I'm not swamped with work and there is nothing stopping me.

Music helps a bit, but the progress is marginal.  I'm still adjusting to all of this, because this isn't the way I'm supposed to be and this isn't the way things are supposed to work at my age or in my situation.  And it's odd to be so different.  I really don't mind it most of the time, but this is just one of those occasions when it starts to get to me a little bit, and I don't like that.  I don't want to smile even though I have no real reason to be unhappy.

I miss my friends, I miss the people I'd gotten to know so well, and maybe it's just being in this particular moment, but it feels like I'm never going to find people like that again, and I'm going to be lonely forever even though I know that's not the case.  And to be perfectly honest, I'm not terribly lonely at present, either.  I just feel like I'm going to be, and that bothers me a lot more than it should because I've never really been a people person.

Or maybe that's just what I've spent the past decades telling myself because I've been too afraid to take a chance.  I feel judged.  That's what bothers me, especially so because I try fairly hard to stay out of people's way.  It's entirely possible that I'm just being foolish and nobody ever actually thinks about me, which is more likely.  But nonetheless, that constant sense of being judged bothers me.  And for some reason, that's flared up today.

I'm sorry, this has been a bitter and feelings-y post.  I don't really have much more to say on the topic, so I guess this is as good a place as any to wrap it up.  Here's hoping tomorrow is a better day.

I Feel Like I'm Drowning In Work

...but I don't actually have that much of it to do.

It's been a long day.  And I only recently got back home, so yeah, I'm exhausted, and yes, I'd like to go to sleep for the next twelve hours...not that I could do that even if I wanted to.  But I know I still have so much work to do.  Even though none of it has to be done by tomorrow or even the day after, I still feel like I'm behind in absolutely everything and that frustrates me.

I want to get started on one project, and get this other one finished, and read more information about this new thing I'm getting involved in, and write letters to people, and make sure I don't screw anything up too badly while I'm at it.  And I like all of these things enough that I really, honestly want to be doing all of them right now.  I want to start and finish them before I go to bed tonight, but I know for sure that it's not going to happen.

I went to bed late last night.  Silly me.  Then again, I had a good conversation with a couple of people, which is always welcome.  It was probably spurred my blogging about the lack of such good conversations in my life recently, so I'm very glad it happened.  It also helped me to get to know someone better and become more comfortable with this person, which is most definitely a good thing.

But in any case, I think I will wrap this up now and go do something productive, because I actually like doing productive things lately.  It doesn't happen often, so I'm going to take advantage of it while I can.

Routine and I Had a One Night Stand

I have a 'friend' on facebook with a similar statement in her "About Me" section.  It doesn't describe me at all, or at least I like to think it doesn't.  Hey, maybe it does.  I try to be reasonable, responsible, organized and all of that.  It doesn't always work.  To be fair, I've been getting better at it, as the stability of my life lately implies.

Then again, I still miss it.  I miss making mistakes and learning from them and never knowing what's going to happen.  What's a good source of adrenaline?  I think I need one.  I feel like I've run out and I don't want to sit here overflowing with angst over having nothing to angst about.  That's a problem.  I need to stop that.  And part of it is that I'm sleep-deprived.  I know that.  But I miss the excitement.

Sometimes I want to stay up until four in the morning because everything is funny then and nothing make sense and you can admit things without worrying about them until the next day.  It's that adventurous attitude of late night and early morning that I like so much.  That's why I don't always go to bed at a reasonable hour.  Part of me wants to grasp those moments, those fleeting bits of truth that only come out at that time.

And I know it's possible to do that outside of late nights.  Some situations are just conducive to it (like May 16th, apparently).  But it doesn't happen often.  And I miss being able to see it happen because I'm hardly ever up.  I'm still in a transitional state.  I'm still adjusting.  I'm sure I'll figure it out, one way or another, at some point.  But for now I'm just trying to get acquainted with this new life.

I Wish I Wrote More Interesting Words

I miss people's drama.  I'm perfectly fine without my own, certainly.  I appreciate the peace and quiet it provides me with, and also the stability.  But I can't help but wish that I could concern myself with other people's drama.  I like helping people with problems.  I like that feeling of desperation.  It's exciting.

I miss when I could talk to her without feeling guilty, or when I waited breathlessly to see if she had anything to say to me, or even going back to the days when I didn't know anything about him except the few little secrets that made my heart race.  I sometimes wish I could get back the excitements, the dramas, the kisses that never were or could have been or shouldn't have happened.

And I know that I don't want it back, but I do still miss it.  I look back with nostalgia on things I shouldn't be nostalgic for.  Three years ago, my life was going to hell, although I didn't know it at the time.  But it was so exciting.  I imagine I'll find new excitements here, new adventures, new people and new memories.  I figure everything will come together in due time just like it always has.

But not yet.  So all I can do is sit and wait.  Hope to find my place in this large, new world.

Back. Maybe.

I...think I might be back.  Then again, I might not be.  I know I've been gone for a while, almost two weeks.  That's the longest I've gone without posting in the entire history of this blog.  And given that I've maintained this project as my baby for almost two years now, that means quite a lot, especially given how much I prided myself on posting every single day with exceptions few and far between.

Anyway, I really would like to get back to posting, so I guess that starts now.  Except this time I'm not going to promise daily posts or anything like that.  I'll still try for it, but I really, really, really don't want to make that a promise because I'm tired of posting low-quality work that I can't be proud of and/or serves no purpose.  Also, I have a lot of priorities that are much more important to me right now than blogging, so it will be on the back burner.  My apologies if anyone legitimately reads this.

As you can see, I have done a good bit of redesigning.  Part of me feels like my life has changed so much from when I picked the theme I had that if I wanted to go back to posting, I needed it to change.  It's symbolic for me in an odd way.  I don't know if it makes sense to anybody but me, but it's one of those things that bothers me, potentially for no reason at all.  I want to write because I can't write the things I wrote about before.

I'm not in a hole right now.  I'm, believe it or not, happy.  My life is stable, steady, functional, efficient.  I'm doing things the way I want to, when I want to, and I'm not getting irrationally or unreasonably upset about this or that when I shouldn't be.  I've changed a lot and this last move has really solidified it for me, hence the need to change the function and layout of this blog.

I know I'm still settling in here, but it's nice so far.  It's good in the ways I want it to be and bad in ways that are tolerable.  There are enough stable, strong aspects of my life that I'm not nearly as worried as I have been about maintaining my sanity and avoiding drama.  I feel good about this.  So I'm honestly going to try to get back to blogging here, in addition to my other blog.