I know a little sin to which we can aspire

I'm starting to accept that I'm broken in some irreparable ways.

There are things wrong with me that I don't think can ever be fixed.  And while they don't affect particularly many small moments, the moments they do affect add up.  There's a reason I have trouble accepting when people find a certain kind of happiness.  And it's because I'm becoming increasingly certain that it isn't a happiness that I will ever have.

Sitting here now and thinking about it, I'm not sad.  If anything, I'm nostalgic.  I want to go back to before everything got this fucked up and set it all up better.  Change some things.  I want to scream at my younger self to make better decisions, to savor the small moments, to not let everything lose it's significance so quickly.  Because everything meant so much then.  Until it didn't mean anything at all.  And now I have trouble finding meaning.

I can't get comfortable.  I toss and turn in life like an insomniac tosses and turns under the covers.  I keep trying to adjust something so that it works out okay.  So that I can enjoy certain things, or want certain things.  But it never works.  And at the end of the day, I'm stuck sitting here realizing that I don't think this is something that can ever be changed.  I don't think this is something that can be fixed.  I think that no matter how hard anyone tries, this part of me will never be whole again.

Right now, I'm learning to live with that.  Because having spent a few years hoping that it would all go away and get fixed somehow hasn't gotten me anywhere.  So I'm trying to come to terms with it.  I'm trying to get over the resentment and jealousy.  I'm trying to be okay with the things I'll never be able to enjoy.  Which, just so you know, really isn't any fun.  But I'm getting there.  I hope.

The last fight was fixed from the start

I've been gone for a while, I know.  I've been busy.  Like I said, life came and picked me up and swept me on my way, so here I am.  In a different place, at a different time, a different person.  Except that I'm not.  Not really.  Nothing feels different except that dull ache.  But that was there before.  That's been growing for some time now.  It's just more prominent right now, and I either can't make it go away, or I don't want it to.

So perhaps there is some reason to doubt.  There's certainly no more certainty here.  I can't tell if I'm okay or if I'm not.  I don't know if I'm happy or sad most of the time.  I am not even capable of determining if my mood is constantly mediocre or if it fluctuates constantly and unpredictably.  I honestly don't know.  Which is weird, but seems to calm me somehow.

I can't shake this feeling.  And I think I know the source, but unfortunately that doesn't give me anything to do that will fix it.  It's like there are too many conflicting emotions at once.  Everything is this jumbled mess and I don't know what to do about it.  I have nowhere to start, so I haven't done anything about it. I've simply been ignoring the mess inside of me and focusing on making everything else as neat and clean as I can.

I've been working.  I've been reading.  I've been spending time with people and talking and laughing and generally keeping myself busy in just about any way I can.  So the few minutes I have to sit down like this and think, a wave of everything washes over me and I don't know what to do.

If you're reading this, stop worrying.  I'm fine.  Really.  I know it probably doesn't sound like it, but that's the point of this blog.  Here, I don't have to sound fine.  I can put down all of the things that aren't okay, so that I can go back to being a functional human being.  But really, don't worry about me.  I have everything under control, even if I don't understand everything that's going on with me.