Do you know this feeling where suddenly you feel so vibrant and alive? Like the world is open before you and anything is possible?
For the last ten years, I've been tumbling into and out of problems, pain, misery. And it has literally been ten years. Which, at my age, is a significant portion of my life. Something always hurt. Something was always wrong or missing. I was always just not quite good enough, not quite right. I was always doing something wrong. That's what it felt like anyway. Whether that was true or not, I don't know. But it's certainly how it felt.
Sometime in the last two months though, since I moved, I've gotten myself together. I didn't even notice it happening. But suddenly here I am, doing well, feeling well. I get enough sleep. I eat well. I exercise. I have regular plans that I've started making in my new city. I'm doing well at work. I'm getting to know people. I love where I live.
I don't know when it happened and I don't know how but here I am and it feels like I'm on top of the world. Like life is finally the way it should be. For the first time in ten years, it doesn't hurt. I'm not looking for some missing piece. I'm not broken. I'm still not perfect. I'm still dealing with things that have hurt me in the past. But somehow that's not the most important thing anymore. What's bigger than that is that I'm moving forward in my life.
Part of me is still afraid that it'll all come crashing down. That I'll lose sleep and then I'll lose focus and I'll mess everything up. But realistically I don't think that'll happen. I won't always feel on top of the world like this, but it also doesn't have to hurt. And I'm starting to really accept that for myself.
I've been such a mess but now I'm putting myself back together again and I love it. I'm really happy with it. And that's definitely worth a hell of a lot.
