I've been gone for a while, I know. I've been busy. Like I said, life came and picked me up and swept me on my way, so here I am. In a different place, at a different time, a different person. Except that I'm not. Not really. Nothing feels different except that dull ache. But that was there before. That's been growing for some time now. It's just more prominent right now, and I either can't make it go away, or I don't want it to.
So perhaps there is some reason to doubt. There's certainly no more certainty here. I can't tell if I'm okay or if I'm not. I don't know if I'm happy or sad most of the time. I am not even capable of determining if my mood is constantly mediocre or if it fluctuates constantly and unpredictably. I honestly don't know. Which is weird, but seems to calm me somehow.
I can't shake this feeling. And I think I know the source, but unfortunately that doesn't give me anything to do that will fix it. It's like there are too many conflicting emotions at once. Everything is this jumbled mess and I don't know what to do about it. I have nowhere to start, so I haven't done anything about it. I've simply been ignoring the mess inside of me and focusing on making everything else as neat and clean as I can.
I've been working. I've been reading. I've been spending time with people and talking and laughing and generally keeping myself busy in just about any way I can. So the few minutes I have to sit down like this and think, a wave of everything washes over me and I don't know what to do.
If you're reading this, stop worrying. I'm fine. Really. I know it probably doesn't sound like it, but that's the point of this blog. Here, I don't have to sound fine. I can put down all of the things that aren't okay, so that I can go back to being a functional human being. But really, don't worry about me. I have everything under control, even if I don't understand everything that's going on with me.
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