I know a little sin to which we can aspire

I'm starting to accept that I'm broken in some irreparable ways.

There are things wrong with me that I don't think can ever be fixed.  And while they don't affect particularly many small moments, the moments they do affect add up.  There's a reason I have trouble accepting when people find a certain kind of happiness.  And it's because I'm becoming increasingly certain that it isn't a happiness that I will ever have.

Sitting here now and thinking about it, I'm not sad.  If anything, I'm nostalgic.  I want to go back to before everything got this fucked up and set it all up better.  Change some things.  I want to scream at my younger self to make better decisions, to savor the small moments, to not let everything lose it's significance so quickly.  Because everything meant so much then.  Until it didn't mean anything at all.  And now I have trouble finding meaning.

I can't get comfortable.  I toss and turn in life like an insomniac tosses and turns under the covers.  I keep trying to adjust something so that it works out okay.  So that I can enjoy certain things, or want certain things.  But it never works.  And at the end of the day, I'm stuck sitting here realizing that I don't think this is something that can ever be changed.  I don't think this is something that can be fixed.  I think that no matter how hard anyone tries, this part of me will never be whole again.

Right now, I'm learning to live with that.  Because having spent a few years hoping that it would all go away and get fixed somehow hasn't gotten me anywhere.  So I'm trying to come to terms with it.  I'm trying to get over the resentment and jealousy.  I'm trying to be okay with the things I'll never be able to enjoy.  Which, just so you know, really isn't any fun.  But I'm getting there.  I hope.