I have no idea why, but I've observed the trend. It seems as good as anything to put for a title, if only because it is appropriate. Fitting? I'm not sure which word I'd rather use. I'm rambling again. It's just been one of those days. One of those where it seems like the only thing that'll fix it is sleep. Which is probably a good thing. I can get sleep tonight, because I'm not swamped with work and there is nothing stopping me.
Music helps a bit, but the progress is marginal. I'm still adjusting to all of this, because this isn't the way I'm supposed to be and this isn't the way things are supposed to work at my age or in my situation. And it's odd to be so different. I really don't mind it most of the time, but this is just one of those occasions when it starts to get to me a little bit, and I don't like that. I don't want to smile even though I have no real reason to be unhappy.
I miss my friends, I miss the people I'd gotten to know so well, and maybe it's just being in this particular moment, but it feels like I'm never going to find people like that again, and I'm going to be lonely forever even though I know that's not the case. And to be perfectly honest, I'm not terribly lonely at present, either. I just feel like I'm going to be, and that bothers me a lot more than it should because I've never really been a people person.
Or maybe that's just what I've spent the past decades telling myself because I've been too afraid to take a chance. I feel judged. That's what bothers me, especially so because I try fairly hard to stay out of people's way. It's entirely possible that I'm just being foolish and nobody ever actually thinks about me, which is more likely. But nonetheless, that constant sense of being judged bothers me. And for some reason, that's flared up today.
I'm sorry, this has been a bitter and feelings-y post. I don't really have much more to say on the topic, so I guess this is as good a place as any to wrap it up. Here's hoping tomorrow is a better day.
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