Anger without Enthusiasm

Am I angry?  No.  Not really.  Not usually.  I'm disappointed, mostly.  Disappointed with myself.  Because maybe everyone was right.  And maybe I deserve better.

But I was right too.  If I deserve better, then it's my own fault.  Because I'm the reason for all of this.  I'm the one letting myself down.  Just as I always have been.

I've done everything in this life that I've promised I wouldn't.  I've let other people do things to me that I said I never would allow.  I've put myself in this corner and now I'm wondering why I can't go anywhere because there really isn't a way back.  It's not as simple as just turning around because you can't undo the past.  Trust me, I've tried.

I would start this paragraph with a dramatic statement.  "I am at a crossroad" comes to mind.  Except that's not the case.  No more than usual.  We are all at crossroads every day, every minute of our lives.  We just don't notice it.  And that's what got me where I am.  I saw a boulder in the path and I turned aside because it made sense to.  And I did it again and again and again until I found myself here, with nowhere left to go.  Because this is it.  There is no way up.  There is only down.  Far, far down.

I've spent my entire life walking away from fights, trying to tone down confrontations.  And in the end I gave.  I gave a little here and a little there, and I compromised some, and then I did it again, until there was nothing left to give and I'd compromised the entirety of myself.  I spent so much time trying to avoid conflict that I turned into one perpetual conflict, myself.

I'm trying to work and all I can think is, "there is no way to go but down."  Is this what a midlife crisis feels like?  Because I'm standing at the edge and staring down into the abyss and there is nowhere to go.  And I know I should have seen it coming, and I know that it was bound to happen eventually, but it's never quite the same.  So even though I know one day it will be over, I'll still feel very different on that day than I do now.

There will be an end.  One day, this will all be over.  And I don't know when, and I don't know how, and I don't know why.  But I know.  I really know.  I am absolutely certain.  And now it finally feels a little bit real.