And I don't think I ever will be. I'm okay with that. Happy with it, even. I got over the desire to be normal when I was fifteen. I think at that point it finally hit me that normalcy (normality, perhaps?) is boring. I don't want to listen to trashy pop songs and spend my Friday nights getting so drunk that I don't remember what happened. That lifestyle stopped being appealing to me after one very troubled summer. It was a phase. And, to be fair, at that point I was too young to seriously be considering that sort of lifestyle.
I like where I am right now. I like being lost in the crowd in this place. I like not knowing everyone I see around me, not hating people, not being afraid to interact with certain individuals. A life in a place this big is giving me the opportunity to avoid forming bad relationships. I don't know the vast majority of people I see on the street and that means I don't fear them even a little bit, I don't have to try avoiding them, I'm not trying to impress them. Overall, I'm in a good place right now. It's an odd adjustment, but I'm starting to really get comfortable here. Something about the atmosphere is good for me.
Some things are definitely not going the way I want them to, others are a disappointment. The thing is, I'm finding good things. I've had unexpected surprises. I like what I'm doing. I'm pleasantly busy (even if it is a bit much to handle at times), I'm learning things again, I'm enjoying myself. Some days are drags, others are full of elation. And there's still plenty that I'm worried about, certainly, but I feel like I have it at least somewhat under control right now.
Looking back on the past couple of years, I get nostalgic. I miss some of the people, I miss certain aspects of the environment, and I miss some of the adventure (because I haven't really had time for adventures here yet). I want to go back and visit, though, not be part of it again. Parts of it, especially at the end, felt like I couldn't possibly look back on it fondly, but now that I've finally distanced myself from it, started establishing myself in a new home, with new friends...I'm okay with it. Some of the memories really were incredible. Some were anything but.
Perhaps the best part of it all is realizing that there will be more. There will be more wonderful memories and more terrible memories. I'll be ecstatic and I'll be hopeful. There's a lot in front of me. Getting away from that past is letting me see that. I'm not despairing anymore, and that's always a welcome change. I still like the same music, oddly enough. It used to be the way I could relate to it, the pain, the distress, that's what kept me listening to it even after it didn't hold the same significance as when I first started.
I listened to this music because it let me know that I wasn't alone. That some things hurt, and some things cut you so deeply it's hard to imagine ever moving past them. And maybe sometimes you don't. Maybe I haven't. But it's possible to feel better. I still have tough days or even weeks when I don't want to get out of bed, it still follows me around sometimes. On the whole, though, I'm happy. Which is hard for me to believe, but undeniably true.
I still listen to the same music, though. It still makes me feel better. Some people tell me it's bad to dwell on your past. And I have to agree, that most of the time it is. But it helps me. Remembering the things I put myself through, the messes I pushed through, the things I got over eventually, it helps. I like listening to the same songs because I don't feel that way anymore. Because I like remembering where I've been and how I've become who I am.
I feel empowered today. That's probably one of the most cheesy, overdone statements I've written here in a while, but it's true. I feel good. I don't want to preach, but I have to say it. It never feels like it's going to get better when you're in the middle of it. I know. But it can. It does. When circumstances change, so does everything else. My location changed, my life changed, and I changed, too. I'm glad I did.
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