Instantaneous Derision

It's like an impulsive self-hatred.  I've always been a bit of a masochist, but it's faded lately.  Maybe because my life has changed, maybe because I myself am a different person.  Regardless, I don't loathe myself anymore.  Not in the same ways or for the same reasons.  As I said before, life goes on, things get better.  People change and all that good stuff.

The odd thing is, there are still days when I find myself driven back to angst.  And even though it doesn't characterize me as a whole anymore, I still have days when I want it to hurt.  This week has had a couple of them.  It's probably because I've been stressed and busy and not getting nearly enough sleep.  But that's okay.  I'm fine, really.  Even if it doesn't feel like that sometimes.  And no, I promise, I'm not just trying to convince myself.

When I want things to hurt, though, I always turn in one direction, even though it lands me in a slightly different place every time.  But I always focus one one point.  It's no longer relevant, really.  Sometimes I miss the days when it was.  Which is not good by any means because those things were so relevant when I was in a bad place.  It's complicated and confusing.

I don't know why I keep looking back there, trying to find more that I know isn't there.  Maybe even wishing it was, even though I know it would upset me.  I don't know why I want a piece of that back when it hurt me so much, or why it seems like a good idea (okay, no, it doesn't, but that doesn't change the fact that part of me still wants it).

I think I'm still trying to move past something, but I don't know what it is.  I don't know how to find it or get there or move past it, and that leaves me stuck, trying to come to terms with I-don't-know-what.  And, like with other things, I don't want to bring it up because I don't know what to say about it.  I'm sorry for all of the pointless nonsense on here, lately.  I don't really know what more to say.  Apologies.