I don't know how to write this, but I want to do it well. Because the idea came to me from some awfully beautiful writing and some terribly truthful words (namely here) and I don't want to waste that. Some things just make me really feel, and that's somewhat rare, but reading the writing of this person I'd never met before, I really felt in that special way. It's inspiring, because the life and thoughts of someone else can so poignantly give definition to my own life, to bring in that sense of "you're not alone" that I need to hear every once in a while.
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I wrote that...oh god, probably a week ago now. I've been busy (then again, when am I not). And today felt like a waste of a day. It felt like practically everything that could go wrong did. So here I am, with half an hour to midnight, and even though my brain and body are tired, I have no desire to sleep. Because somewhere along the way, I realized that when I get angry enough, I can use that anger to propel myself. Maybe that's how I got this far in the first place, by taking in the thoughts and criticisms of everyone who ever thought "you can't do that" or "I'm better than you" or "there's no way you'll ever amount to anything" and getting really, really pissed off about it...pissed off enough to do it.
So yes, I am pissed. I am very, very unhappy right now. I am angry. And for a little bit, I'm going to let myself sit here and fume. I'm going to rant and rave at the people around me, and I'm going to swear so much I'll wonder if I remember how to say anything else. But then, when that's all said and done, I'm going to go back to my work, and I'm going to finish it. I'm going to clean it up and make it damn good. Because I'm better than this shit. I'm better than the people who have so thoroughly angered me and negatively affected my day. I know that I am better than letting their actions and judgments and opinions cloud my vision, because I know my skills and strengths. And I know that this has not played in my favor. But I also know that while I could undoubtedly do better, it's not worth my energy. I've invested as much of myself as I'm willing, so I'm going to move on. To bigger and better things. Things I love.
You can see this guy's writing is rubbing off on me. I've been trying to read a bit of his blog every few days at least, just systematically working back. It makes me feel inspired. A couple of other things lately have contributed to that, and they've all come together into a very motivated, surprisingly positive attitude. I'm going to meet with someone this summer, an individual who has indicated that she is in fact worthy of my respect (which doesn't happen often on a first meeting like this). And she's going to tear me apart. Because that's her job...well, somewhat, anyway. Constructively, of course, all in an attempt to help me understand who I am and what I want and how to get there better.
And when I do go see her in a few months, I want to be able to flat out tell her: I don't want to cure cancer. I will never save starving children or head a committee on green energy. I am not here to try to please you, or anyone else. I just want to do what I love. And maybe I don't fully understand what that is. Maybe it'll take me a few years to figure it out, but I'm tired of feeling like I'm doing things wrong because I'm not conforming to societal norms. I don't know if I'll put it that way. Or if most of these sentiments will come out at all. This meeting is something I've thought a lot about since first discussing the possibility of it just yesterday. I'm trying to figure out how to best represent myself, or at least where to start.
I'm not really a writer (this is relevant, I promise), but it's an important part of me. Writing got me through some of the worst times of my life to date. It helps me organize my thoughts and it puts me on track. It makes me calm and centered in a way that meditation seems to work for other people. So I guess that's something I should mention. That and how much I love (I cannot emphasize that word enough) the work I do. And I guess I can say I like reading, and people, figuring them out, learning about them, but I'm not sure how these all come together to form a coherent picture. But I think that's precisely where she can help the most. As long as I have the guts to stop trying to impress her (and myself), I think I can really get somewhere. I'd really like to.
And even as I'm putting these words down, I'm thinking some things. First, "I want to be proud of this post. I want to be proud of how I felt and how I wrote it. I want to know that it sounds good and expresses everything I feel as clearly as possible." Second, "I should just print this writing out. Print it out and take it to her and say 'read this' because writing is as honest as I get, I've never been more honest in person than I am in text, and this is as true as I can imagine anything to be. So if she wants to know the truth about me, this is what she should read." I don't know that it'll happen, but if I remember writing this when I do go meet with her, I'll certainly keep it in mind.
I've finally calmed down. I'm tired and still somewhat unhappy, but that's okay. So I'll take my time now, to finish this work and then I'll go to bed. Maybe tomorrow will be better. And maybe it won't. But how the day goes really doesn't matter. And I have no intentions of letting it be wasted because of people and things I have no control over. So this here is written proof of my commitment to not let this shit ruin me. So there.
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