Patchwork Quilt

You cry.  That's how you do it.  That's the only way.  You sit there and you feel your intestines twisting in upon themselves and the physical pain overcomes the emotions as you sit there in a ball and fall apart.  You let yourself be torn to shreds.  Because once that happens, you can be stitched back together, made whole, patched up with scar tissue.  And over time, it doesn't hurt as much anymore.  The stabbing pain is a mere pinch, if you feel it at all.  And then it all gets better.

I'm not writing this for you.  In a way, I'm writing it about you, because you've never been on the other side of this particular fence.  So I don't think you really understand the guilt in asking.  And I don't think it's possible to just get over it and say something, or not easily, certainly.  I need to put this down because it has to be written, not because it has to be read.

It's not a situation that you can change.  Do you remember that night when you needed her to say something first?  That's what this is.  It's another piece of that same puzzle.  It's needing to not ask for it, because asking is doing it wrong.  Asking is breaking the rules.  Asking is cheating and cheap and incorrect.  That's why this is a horrible game.  Because it isn't fair.  Because all of these rules are set by you and you pay the cost that you yourself established.  Maybe it takes a twisted mind.  And maybe this isn't how it actually goes, but that's precisely how it falls out sometimes.

I never really found the fix.  I just stopped feeling it.  Because after a while, you just can't feel it.  You've been torn and broken so many times that nothing else can get through.  The scar tissue is so thick that there are no nerve endings remaining.  I'm in no place to give advice, which is why I didn't say anything.  I have no advice to give, even though I should have a storehouse of it.  But all I have is the prospect of not feeling anything, which is at the same time a comfort and an anxiety.

Maybe I did it wrong.  And maybe I'll never feel anything the same way again.  But it seems that now I have no choice but to pay this price.  So it goes.