When everything is gone, we'll still be begging for more

"I just can't ever see myself getting off that slope," I said.  You said, he said, she said.  I'm borrowing some writing, mixing up stories, it happens.  That's just how the neurons fire.  One thing leads to another and then another and I find myself somewhere completely different.  Which doesn't by any means signify that I'm off that slope.  Just that I'm on another piece of it.

They like putting these dramatic scenes into movies, where a person is being held over the edge of a cliff or something and they slip an inch.  And then another inch.  Until they're hanging there, dangerously suspended.  In the movies  of course, we all know they're going to be saved.  Except Gandalf perhaps, but he comes back later anyway, so that doesn't count.  

But life doesn't really work that way, because I'm sure that anyone in that sort of life-or-death situation wouldn't be absolutely certain of being saved.  If anything, I think they'd be more certain of the consequences of falling.  So moving around on that slope, that's not necessarily a good thing.  It doesn't mean getting closer to the top, and it may very well mean being at the very bottom.

But I don't talk about it.  Because nobody wants to hear it.  Nobody wants to know the thoughts that run through my head when I stand in one place for too long, when I'm looking over the bridge into the water, when I haven't forgiven and when I think about the things I'll never forget.  Nobody wants to know those things.  Nobody wants to have to try and understand it, and I can't exactly expect them to when it doesn't make sense to me.

Because I'd love to forget.  I'd love to move on.  I'd love to ignore everything I know or everything I never did.  But that's not how my brain functions. That's not how my memory works.  I feel things that don't make sense.  I think thoughts that I never would have chosen.  And I can't make them go away.  I'm further down that slope than you think, but you wouldn't tell just by looking at me.  And you're never going to ask.  Which is okay.  But I thought I'd put this out there, since I'm never going to tell you and all.