You'd think I'd know by now that I should never go back and reread old things when I'm in this mood. In any mood, really, because no matter where I start out, these things always put me into this emotional state, no exceptions. I do know though, but that never seems to stop me. When I'm in this mood it seems, it's hard to stop me doing anything...if I ever get started. Unfortunately, it's entirely too easy to get me started reading these things.
Some years ago, I promised myself I'd never again live in the past. I said I'd move forward with my life and never dwell on what happened. And it's funny because I think of that promise to myself every few months and I'm never sure what to think. I obviously haven't kept it. I've tried again and again, but I always come back to the past. I can't escape it. Which is a perfectly reasonable phrase, until it means what it does here--I can't stop reading things from years ago, I can't change the person it made me become.
I don't regret. In a way, it's another policy I made for myself. But also, it's a reflection of the fact that everything that's happened in my life has put me precisely where I am today. I generally find myself in a pretty damn good place, even if it doesn't seem like it, so I really can't want to change anything. But if there's nothing that I regret, then why can't I move forward? What keeps drawing me back to the dark sanctuary of a few years back?
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