The problem with being awake at 4 am and then also at 9 am is always that no matter what, the same people you talked to when you went to sleep are never around when you wake up. And that's always bothered me. Because the thing about 4 am is that it's a particularly kind time. It's the sort of time I seek refuge in when I know that all is not right because it's soothing. 4 am is like cowering under the blankets when you're five years old and there are monsters--it protects you. Even it you know it doesn't really do you any good, you feel safer.
Which means that you can say things at 4 am that you wouldn't have said otherwise. 4 am is my church. And like most humans, I'm not particularly devout until I need something. And that's when I seek 4 am. What 4 am means to me is that I don't have to try to make myself presentable. That I can cry when I need to. That I can say horrible things or suggest implausible scenarios. And even though I know things won't be better after a few hours of sleep, they feel better. It's temporary relief.
Because even knowing that these thins are going to dig into me, hollow me out, make me nothing but a shell of misery the very next morning, 4 am soothes the wounds. It makes it okay to go to bed. It helps me fall asleep. It's where I seek refuge. It's numbing. Both staying up until one should reasonably be getting up, and surviving the next day on reduced sleep. Sometimes it's the only thing that helps.
So if you ever wonder why I keep coming back--this is why. I come back because I have no other place to go. Because it's my solace, my haven. It's the only way I stay sane anymore, and it is such by virtue of being inexplicably close at hand whenever I need it to be.
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