Some of you here know who I am. Some of you probably came across this randomly. Some of you may have sought this out and be unsure of my identity (though I doubt that describes many, if any, of you). Actually, I'm aware of only one person who still reads this, so I don't even feel bad for never blogging. It's just not something I really do anymore. Not here at least. This place ran its course and I haven't really needed it.
Anyway, I think the reason I'm writing this here is in case anyone is wondering about what's going on in my head right now. Actually, it's probably to sort out what's in my head and make it available to you if you're interested. God knows I could have put it elsewhere, but there's no reason not to drop it here.
I don't know what I'm doing with my life. I used to have it all planned out. I knew what I wanted and how to get it, I knew where I was going and how to get there. I knew. And everyone encouraged me because I was good, I was legitimately good for a long time. And I had lofty goals that were achievable. And so people told me that I was on the right track. As if life just follows the set of rails you set up. But I was happy with that for a long time. I did what was expected of me. I followed the rules. I did impressive things. I kept up this facade of excellence because I could, because I had reasons to.
And now I don't care. Pin it on being subject to bad influences, or having too much independence, or reading things that encourage rebellion, you'd still be wrong. Though I couldn't explain why or how. But it's not any of that. It's me. And maybe it's because something broke a long time ago, or maybe it's because I was always fundamentally flawed and it just took time to emerge.
Anyway, I lost my train of thought The point is I have issues. And I don't know what I'm doing with my life, or what I want to do with it. I think those two are unrelated, but who even knows anymore. Also everything is weird. People are weird and events are weird and thoughts are weird and ugh. I don't know anything anymore. I haven't felt this lost in the middle of it all in a long time. And it's probably just tonight, right now. It'll almost certainly be better in the morning.
But no matter how much my life changes, I keep ending up here every once in a while. It's something I can't escape. I think it's a part of me by now, something I can't really get away from. And I like moping in my bitterness sometimes. I just worry about being too bitter, taking it all too far. Which honestly sounds worse than it is, I promise.
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