On Bad Experiences

This post should probably contain some sort of trigger warning about sexual violence and assholes.  Or something.  Anyway, you've been warned.

I've used this blog less and less frequently over the past few years, to the point where I don't really write here much and very few (if any) people still read it.  Which is good, I think, because if anything it means that it's become that much more anonymous.  And while normally I'd put this sort of thing somewhere else, it's something that right now I feel needs an audience, even if it is a tiny one. 

As a bit of background: I kindof hate the idea of feminism.  Conceptually it's all well and good, but I hate seeing it all over the place, on facebook, tumblr, ranted and raved about by most of the women I know.  I'm just tired of it.  I want people to stop shoving the phrases "enthusiastic consent" and "rape culture" in my face.  I hate it so much because I fucking get it.  Okay?  Trust me, I understand full well what you're saying so please for the love of god stop talking about it because not only is it annoying but sometimes also downright triggering.

There is a history of sexual violence in my past.  Some long ago, some more recent.  Some very much forced on me, some consented to despite a lack of interest, and some when I was just too drunk to remember.  And I take full responsibility for each of those situations.  If you even think the phrase "victim blaming" in my general direction, I will punch you so fucking hard right now.  Stop.  I take responsibility for the choices I made and the actions I took that led to each set of circumstances.  Accept that.

The point is, I feel like I've thought through each of these experiences, considered the circumstances, pondered the outcomes, and have come to terms with them.  I like to think that I'm not traumatized or haunted by the past.  I don't have an anxiety attack when I hear the word "rape," and I have no trouble reading countless graphic depictions of sexual violence (don't ask, people post too many things on facebook). 

But as much as I like to think I'm "over it" and "not affected by it anymore," the one place where this always seems to catch up to me is, of course, in bed. 

I'm not comfortable saying "no" to things I don't want.  Sometimes it's out of a feeling of obligation or reciprocation.  Sometimes it's because I feel like I don't know the person I'm in bed with well enough to make my feelings clear.  Sometimes it's because I fear the reaction.  Regardless of the reason, it's exceedingly difficult for me to say no.  And I've been trying lately to get better about it, to be more okay with turning away and making my disinterest clear.  And some people have been very good at accepting that, going so far as to apologize (which in such cases is generally not necessary, in my opinion).  And that's something that I appreciate very much, because it makes me feel like it's okay not to want to do certain things sometimes (or at all) and that I can take my time, and get my head screwed on right before I do whatever it is.

The problem is when people don't accept that.  When I get to the point of straight up saying "I am not interested in having sex with you" (which is very difficult for me to say, in case that wasn't clear) and am met with responses like "are you sure?" or "maybe later" or "come on, you should try at least once."  And especially when I have to repeat that.  I shouldn't have to make it clear that just because I wanted to do something when I was too drunk to remember, I might not want to do it when I'm sober, or even when I'm drunk on another occasion.  When I turn away and have to slap at hands that keep trying to touch me.  When I am literally squirming to get out from under someone.  That's hard to take even for me, and to be perfectly honest it leaves me feeling like shit the next morning.  I feel bad for not doing whatever, and I also feel bad for spending time with someone who doesn't listen to me. 

In case it wasn't clear, that's coming from a very specific recent encounter.  And although this person is someone I would have otherwise been interested in maintaining a friendship with, this has resulted in my ignoring their messages and effectively severing contact.  You know the worst part?  I still feel bad.  I feel that it's rude of me to cease responding without an explanation.  And yes, I know, the feminists will be screeching "you can't let this person do it to you or to anyone else, you need to make it explicitly clear to them that this behavior is not acceptable and doesn't respect people."  Yeah, I got that.  Thanks.  But I can't do it.  I can't have that conversation.  Saying "no" was hard enough, I don't have the emotional energy to have this confrontation.  And frankly, I don't want to.  I just want to move on with my life and forget that any of it ever happened - drunk, sober, whatever.

I'm not looking for pity.  I'm not looking for advice.  I'm writing it out so I can put my thoughts down, so I can process my emotions and get over it.  I'm working on "getting better" right now, whatever that means, and a large part of that for me is getting over the issues I have with sex.  So I'm working on it.  I'm working on saying "no" when I don't want to, and not feeling bad for not wanting something, and being more okay with the fact that I still have a lot to figure out in this respect.  I'm trying to take my past experiences and learn something from them, so I can get back to a healthy, functional sex life. 

I hope it's actually going somewhere.