Okay, so I guess this means I should do a reflection on 2011, since tomorrow it'll be over (well, the boundary between tomorrow and the day after marks the break, but it's all the same as far as I'm concerned). I really wan't keen on writing a reflection this year. Part of it is that my emotional state has been...confusing...at best, and downright terrible at worst. And part of it is that while the year as a whole was, I guess, pretty good, pieces of it were downright nightmares. This year has definitely had some of the worst moments in my life. Probably not the best, but certainly plenty that come close.
So let's begin at the beginning. I was excited. I was also nervous. Especially at 2 am after the big moment had passed. I wonder if anyone but me realizes why. And to be fair, it was a pretty pathetic reason. But that's how it was. They say that the way you see the new year in is how you'll spend it. This year was all over the place too much for me to tell...then again, I was up and down that night myself.
It started off on a good note. Then fell. Rapidly. I don't even want to talk about it. Needless to say, February downright sucked. That's all I'll say there. It improved a bit, and mostly hovered there until June. The one major exception to that was April. More specifically, the second half of April. That? That definitely goes on the list of worst moments. Again, I'm not going to dwell. I'm pretty sure I could handle it, but that doesn't mean it would be good for me. I've written enough on the subject that it doesn't need a recap here (as with all things, ask for detail if you really want, I'll probably give it).
Then it got really good. Starting in June, going all the way until pretty damn recently, I was happy. Really happy. I don't remember the last time I was happy for such an extended period of time. Everything was going well, I knew where my life was going, what was there to not be happy about? Nothing was particularly eventful about it, but it was good. It was calm and pleasant and good. I got a great job that I enjoy. Really, life is good. Even now.
And these past few weeks, my emotions have been a wreck. I think it's the fact that I finally had a chance to sit still and think. It's been a while since that's happened, and I guess I've just been needing a relaxing opportunity to catch up. So when I first got that chance, it all rushed over me. And I think (hope), that I'm starting to feel better. I had half a break-down tonight, I guess. But once that passed, I started to feel better. So I'm hoping that lasts.
I guess I lost track of the reflection portion of this post. I'm sorry, this is easily going to be one of the most disoriented posts I ever write. And I'm not going to go back and edit it because this is just too hard for me to formulate cleanly, too difficult to write well. So I'll put down the thoughts, and apologize for the shitty execution.
There is a reason for the title, and I'll explain it, since I put some thought into it. This is the first time in a while that my life has been very, very stable over the course of a few months. Nothing dramatic has gone on. The worst stress came from work-related time-crunches. My personal life? It's been calm. Too calm for comfort. There is no drama in my life anymore. And the same is the case with most of my friends.
So I'm feeling a little bit tired of being overworked professionally and not having anything to deal with personally. I want something to happen. Something exciting and dramatic. But I know that I'm in far too good a place in my life to do anything dramatic to mess it up. I want to see things happen in the lives of those around me, because I'd be glad to help. I'm not used to stability, and this first taste of it...it feels a bit bland.
I've stitched up most of the wounds that have plagued me for the past couple of years. Clearly, there are still things that come out (in case the past few days haven't been enough of an indication). But on the whole, I really have gotten better. It's hard for me to see sometimes. Especially lately. But when I sit back like this, I can see that things have gotten better. So now that my wounds are sealed, I want to see some more.
Just because I don't have them anymore doesn't mean I don't still have a fascination of sorts. I like these things. I like thinking about them, talking about them, and helping with them. I don't really know why, but I like it. What I started to do this year and would like to continue doing is moving past my own issues. I want to help people with theirs, since mine...don't really exist anymore. Not in the same way anyway.
I'll wrap this up. On the whole, I think I've come out of 2011 better than I walked in, which is certainly a good thing. I'm hoping 2012 will continue the trend (hopefully with fewer heartbreaking moments). Oh, and one more thing. This year, for the first time probably ever, I made a New Year's resolution of sorts. I did it casually and wasn't sure if I would even keep it. But I did. And I have to say, I'm rather proud. Even if it was made half-heartedly and only ever considered about the same.
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