Ubiquitinated

In molecular biology, ubiquitination is the process of a protein getting tagged with ubiquitin.  There is an enzymatic complex (at least I think it's a complex) that binds ubiquitin to this protein.  That marks the protein for destruction.  This post is ubiquitinated from the outset.  It is marked for deletion.  Which means it'll only be around for a certain period of time, after which it will be gone.

Clearly, I'm not capable of talking about it, or typing it in conversation, so it seems that I have to write it out, plan it out, just to get it out.  And before I say anything, I'm going to apologize.  Because I don't know how much of this I do in fact mean or will mean in a day or a week or a month.

We're going to break up.  That seems inevitable to me right now.  And it's not because I don't love you or want to be with you.  It's just that this relationship isn't the same anymore.  It's starting to feel stagnant.  So while it's comfortable and I love you and I love your company, I feel like I might bolt at the first chance I get.

The reason I fell in love with you (I think, anyway) is that you let me just be me.  A little fucked up, a good bit twisted, and never really understanding where I belong.  And I can't do that anymore.  I feel like I have to be perfect for you.  And I'm not.  It feels like I have to be a muse, an inspiration, present a solution to every problem.  In short, I feel used.  Except that I'm doing it to myself.  Because not once do I recall an actual demand from you, or even a request of that variety.

It just feels like this relationship has changed in ways I don't think I can live with right now.  Maybe in ten years I'd be happy with the sheer stability and wound-covering of it all, but ten years is a ways away.  And right now I need to be able to throw myself around in my personal life because that's not a luxury I'm allowing myself in my career, so to speak.  But I don't want to be a wreck because I get the impression it would upset you.  And that's not something I'm supposed to do.

So let me rephrase the initial message of all of this.  I don't want to break up.  And I don't want a break.  But I do want things to change.  I really, really, really want things to change.  While being happy is nice, I need my time to be unhappy, and I'd like to be able to share my emotions with you, be they good or bad.  I miss being able to just talk to you about anything.

Maybe this is why I've been so nostalgic lately, why I've been missing the way things were.  Because "back then" represents a point in time when I could literally share anything with you.  I don't know what I expect you to do, or even what I want you to do.  I just needed to put this down because it's been festering for about a month now.  And I think it's only fair that you know.

I'm sorry.