I wanted to start a post with something along the lines of "Getting up in the morning is the most difficult part. Not waking up, that's easy, but actually pushing past the apathy to physically move." In case you didn't notice, I didn't. But it's been on my mind all day...after I got myself out of bed that is. Which was, just so you know, at 9:18 am. So not too shabby.
Transitions like these are strange. They feel almost tarnished in some strange way, because it's all temporary. And sometimes I wonder if we wouldn't be much better off without all of these odd changes in our lives. But then I realize that I'm sitting on a couch, more or less late at night, not stressed about the following day, as I write this. So I come to the conclusion that breaks are necessary. Even if they take a little bit of getting used to.
The things you carry with you from your past propel you into the future. They don't have to, necessarily. There's no inherent quality that makes them so. You're always free to leave behind that portion of your identity and move forward without it. But as anyone who's ever tried it knows, that's a very difficult thing to do. And to a point the difficulty depends on the sort of change you're making. On the whole though, leaving pieces of yourself behind is a very difficult process.
I've had a lot of trouble lately moving on and being happy in my current life, even though I have every reason to be. Old thoughts and feelings haunt me, especially as my location reminds me of them. I like to pretend I've changed a lot, but I'm terribly afraid that I haven't, that a moment more here will trigger things that I thought I was past.
That's the thing about scars. They take a while to fade. And some never really go away because they're too deep. That's just the way things go. Maybe it's not possible to escape certain things once you've been there. Maybe they follow you, even after you tried to leave them behind. That's quite possibly what I'm most afraid of now--the consequences that my past actions may have in my future, particularly the ones that are beyond my control.
I've always been a fan of free will, of the power to control your own destiny. I like to think that there is nothing that can't be fixed or helped or cured. And I'll readily admit that's not the case with medical situations--be they a tumor or a chemical imbalance leading to depression (which, unlike most forms of depression, is a legitimate medical condition). But what I mean regarding free will is something like apathy or laziness or depression which are not caused by a legitimate chemical/hormonal/physical issue.
I know entirely too many people who have been prescribed medications who really need either
a) a swift kick in the ass, or
b) someone supportive enough to motivate them through it.
But then, why is it so hard for me to get past any of the things that have happened in the past three years? There's no denying I'm motivated and disciplined and, at least by some measures, otherwise successful. So why do I find myself still sucked into this apathy on mornings like this? Why is it so difficult to push past the way things were and enjoy them as they are now?
How can I say all of these things about a swift kick in the ass when there are days when I can't motivate myself? I certainly hope I'm right, and that all I need is a bit of motivation. But as of right now, I'm still struggling to find it.
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