Loathing

It's simple, really.  I wouldn't tell you because you were thinking about other things.  I'm still not sure I want to tell you, because I don't think you'd have anything to say, and that makes it feel like it doesn't matter.  So I'll put it here instead, which I was going to do anyway, really, and then I'll know that you will read it eventually and I won't have to sit there feeling like I bared my soul while you have no response.  I'm sorry, but that's how it is.

I need to hate someone.  We already knew that, it's pretty obvious from the fact that I can't stop despising the people who live around me.  But I think I've figured out why.  Because if I'm busy hating someone around me, emphasizing their flaws in my own mind, it means I'm not hating myself.  There is, for some reason I can't for the life of me understand, a minimum level of hatred that I feel for people.  And if I don't hate the people around me, it all gets turned back on myself.

I'm surprised I didn't notice it earlier.  Because looking back, it seems like the most obvious thing.  Maybe what it really is is that I have this fundamental quantity of self-loathing (if such things can be quantified), but when I hate someone else, it gets redirected.  For a minute, I get to paint myself in a rosy light, like someone who is doing it right, who is successful.

When I am the happiest about my own life is when I hate other people the most.  And yes, I know that hate is a strong word, but it's the only one that fits with the correct intensity.  I don't know if that's correlation or causation there, that my self-loathing and my loathing of others have an inverse relationship, but that's very much the case, certainly.

Why is there a fundamental level of self-loathing?  I don't know.  The more I think about it, the more it makes sense that my brain chemistry may in fact be askew.  But that would just be another excuse, even if it is the case.  I know the change of scenery was supposed to help, and it did for a couple of months.  But those things never last.  And I'm not saying that this is bad.  Maybe I've finally found my coping mechanism in hating others.  I can't say that's a good thing, but, well, whatever works, right?  Maybe, maybe not.  We'll see.