I try not to promise myself things anymore. It used to be a thing of mine. "I promise I won't ever..." or "I promise that if ... happens, I'll never..." Maybe it was a little game, to see if I could actually do it. But I guess that in the end I never really could, because every promise I made to myself I broke. And some I made to other people too (I'm sorry, I just can't forget).
I'm always afraid I'll break them. Because of course, when one breaks a promise consciously, at least for me, there's always a compelling reason. A sort of "I didn't see this as a possibility at the time and so this is an extenuating circumstance which justifies my actions." But I don't like that thought process. It's just another excuse. It's like saying "okay, I didn't think it through so I really shouldn't have promised in the first place."
This is brooding too much. It feels like it's leading up to a confession, although I have no such confession to make. I feel better today. I got to talk to someone I haven't seen in a long time, and it was pleasant. It reminded me of simpler things and also gave me a perspective for the future.
My thoughts are scattered. I can't keep them straight. It might be because of the headache. I'm tired and the week ahead of me is long. I should write more when I get my thoughts together. I'm really not sure what the point of starting this was. Apologies.
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