Knees are weak, hands are shaking, I can't breathe

The problem with intelligence is that it's too hard to delude yourself into believing that everything is okay or good or working when it isn't.  You can see the things that are wrong.  And you can't just block them out.  Once you see something wrong, you simply can't go back to pretending you never noticed it.

I've known too many intelligent people who have tried.  Some people drink to avoid the truths.  It's been tempting.  By which I mean I almost did, myself.  Sometimes I honestly think it would be nice to forget the world, to let it go to hell and just not care.  I guess it must work.  I don't know of any other reason why someone would repeatedly pour poison into their body, wake up feeling like hell, and resign themselves to not knowing what bad decisions they had made.

The bravest thing I ever did was continuing my life when I wanted to die.
--Juliette Lewis

Sometimes I want to feel like this god-like creature for not being addicted to something yet.  Because the world is full of filth and unfairness and sometimes everything just hurts, and it would be so easy to do something to forget.  I want to feel special because I see it and I understand it (or like to think I do) and don't try to blot it from my brain.  But I know that it's nothing special.  Countless people do the same every single day.  Many of them see more and understand it better than I ever will.

It's hard to accept that I'm not special because I grew up being praised for how good I was at things, and how diligent I was, and how I could always be counted on.  I know that in most ways, if not all, I'm no better than anybody else, even the people I look down on for their habits or their behaviors or their seeming lack of thought.  It's just a difficult concept to really wrap my mind around.

"I am deep and I am weak and I am pitiful" is how this whole post reads to me.  And I know I'm not deep, and I hate admitting I'm weak, and I really hate being pitiful and try hard not to be.  I'm throwing words at a blank space on the screen because I've come back to seeing writing as a sanctuary.  I use it to work out my thoughts, even if they don't flow, even if they don't make me or anybody else happy.

I've written so much in the past few days and I don't want to stop.  I want to spend the rest of my life putting thoughts down into words because I want to understand how my brain works.  I want to know why things hurt the way they do and I want to understand why I sometimes feel like I have to say the things that I don't want to because they aren't necessary and I know they'll hurt.

I really don't know what else to say.  Apologies.