Blessing or Curse

I don't want to start writing again.  I like my last post.  I like the scattered nature of it.  I like how honest it is.  Was?  Is.  Definitely is.  It's no less honest now than when I wrote it.  I like my writing most when I put down the truth about what hurts.  My writing is most fluid then, and I'm sometimes actually proud of it.  So now that I've written a good post, I don't want to write another one.  I'm scared that it won't be as good.  I want it to be better, but when I don't know how to make it better, I really don't want to write something that's worse.

I never ask for what I want.  Most of the time it's because I don't really know what I want.  I don't know if I want to be left alone or surrounded by people.  I'm never sure if I want to be congratulated on my accomplishments or have them shoved aside as though they don't mean anything.  So I just don't say anything.  I make no requests.  I try to keep everything as low-key as possible because I'm afraid of being embarrassed if something does happen, or being disappointed if it doesn't.

I'm just conflicted lately.  Everything has been a mess all year, and we're already a month and a half in, which is damn near impossible to believe.  Nothing makes sense anymore.  I just want to lie down and rest.  Everything is rushing around me and I'm tired of the fact that I can't keep up with whatever is going on at any given time.  People don't make sense to me.  Worse yet, I don't make sense to me, which is undoubtedly a big problem.

I just want to spend the day wallowing in my misery, because maybe, just maybe, if I do that, I'll figure out why I can't fix myself.  But I know it doesn't work that way.  I know because I've tried, because I've spent entire days staring at things that bother me, hoping that maybe it'll hurt so much that I'll fall through to the other side.  But it's never happened that way.  I guess life just doesn't work that way.  Or maybe just I don't work that way.  I don't know.  I just don't seem to be able to work in a way that's functional or convenient for this world.

I've been told countless times before that being weird and different is a good thing.  Maybe it is.  Maybe it isn't.  I don't think I'll ever know.