I need an out. In every situation, be it corporeal or hypothetical, I need to have a way out. I need to know that I can end it. That's why I always give the same answer for all of the hypothetical situations, because even if it wouldn't necessarily be the case, I absolutely need to know that it can be an option. That if I want or need to, I can get out.
I'm not quite sure when this need for an escape began, but I know it hasn't always been the case. But now I always have a contingency plan. At least one, usually more. Before I get into something, I must be sure that I can get out of it. If I had to hold someone responsible for it, I know who it would be, but I'm not sure I can narrow that down to one person or one situation. It's just something that's become more and more a part of me over the past few years.
It's probably also a large part of my fear of commitment. It's just one of those things where I have to be able to get out of something. I try to avoid, as much as possible, all of the things it's not possible for me to escape from once I start. I'm cautious for a reason, because I'm afraid of the irreparable, the irreversible, and all the things one can't undo.
I think the only thing that got me through that was the fact that I didn't have to get through it. Knowing that I have an out is a relief. It's a comfort. Like a security blanket. It's just one of those things I need in order to be okay. So while my responses might not be entirely accurate or pleasing to you, it's just something I need. I'm sorry.
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