Dirty Little Secret

Sometimes, I get this overwhelming urge to have a secret.  I miss having something that nobody else knows about me.  I want something to hide.  I always thought that secrets made people more interesting.  And maybe that's what's been making me feel so boring lately--because I don't have any secrets.  There's absolutely nothing that nobody knows about me.  All of my weird habits, strange thoughts, unbelievable quirks.  They're public knowledge in a sense.

I miss having something to myself.  It doesn't even have to be about myself.  I'd just like to have a secret.  I always enjoyed keeping other people's secrets at least as much as, if not more than, my own.  I miss feeling like I'm privileged to information.  And to a point, maybe this is reflecting that I miss being close friends with people who tell me such things.  It all fades a bit with distance, and I'm noticing it more this time around.

A large part of it, I feel, is that I'm still largely disconnected from many of the people around me.  I've formed some excellent professional relationships, but very few close personal ones.  It's because I'm used to have these deeply involved and serious relationships with people.  I feel that nothing brings people closer together than going through something stressful with one another's support.  And I don't have any new friends here who I have been through that with, on one side or the other.

I think I'm beginning to develop the sort of relationship with the rest of the world that my parents probably evolved when they moved.  It's the sort of thing where crises are taken care of at home, with a significant other, and friends are for occasional gatherings and mostly good times.  The adjustment is odd for me because I got so used to being in these very intimate friendships where the most personal of problems and concerns could be shared at the drop of a hat.  And now, suddenly, that's not the case.

I'm still adjusting.  I'll be adjusting for a while yet, I think.  And that's okay.  I'm sure I'll figure it all out eventually.  I just hope I get used to it before my confusion leads to messing things up.