I don't know what to do with myself. And I think it's just tonight because it's getting late (can you believe 22:00 is late for me now?) and I have a headache and it's been a long week and next week is going to be even longer, but this is frustrating. And things are rubbing against my emotions in bad ways that haven't bothered me since a month ago. And that's frustrating. And I've started the last three sentences (four if you count this one) with 'and' which is the worst thing you can do or something and I don't care.
Maybe I just need to take a deep breath. But everything seems to be imploding right now, even though nothing is. It's one of those times when everything's moving too quickly but nothing is really going quickly enough. And maybe it's because I remember what happened a year ago, or maybe I'm just being a wreck or something.
I can't believe we're already a month into the new year. Maybe I just can't stand other people's happiness. I think it scares me because it's not something I think I can ever attain. Not that kind of happiness, anyway. I'm not happy unless I'm being pushed and prodded and challenged, with periodic breaks, of course. But that's not how this form of happiness works, it doesn't come with constant pushing and prodding. If anything, that stops. And that's where I have issues, because I don't like things just sitting there.
The weirdest things trigger me lately. If you could call it triggering. I don't know. Trigger isn't the right word because nothing happens. It's not a trigger at all, not a snap, not even anything. Things just change, go up and down, upside down and backward. My own mind makes no sense to me. The problem is that I let myself think. If I didn't think there would be no problems.
This is bordering on existentialism. The same sort of existentialism that started all of this. Except it's so different now. It doesn't feel the same, and I'm not sure if that's good or bad. I don't know.
This has been an angsty, ranting, not proofread post. Apologies.
No comments:
Post a Comment