Future

I finally remembered what I was going to write about a couple of days ago.  The only problem is that it's something that's 1) difficult to write about and 2) very difficult to convey without breaking the vague and anonymous code of this blog.  With that in mind, I'm going to try to relate it as well as possible while still maintaining the cover that this provides me.

I didn't really intend to still be here right now.  I know I sent that email and it said that an end wasn't what I wanted to look forward to, but the idea was so real, so vivid, so beautiful in the most twisted sense of the word, that it was too tempting to just turn away from.  And walking back, at the end that day, I remembered that I hadn't intended to be there.  That it was all supposed to end that morning in a display of triumphant irony.

And maybe people wouldn't have gotten it.  They would have thought I was just depressed.  Or that I was scared of moving forward.  Which, to be fair, I am.  But that wasn't the point.  The point was to show that I could do it.  That I succeeded.  And finished.  And did damn well.  But that it was all bullshit.  The point was that I could go through with it, that I was strong enough to make it, but that a statement needed to be made and I was willing to sacrifice myself to do it.

It sounds almost foolishly heroic, reading that put down in words.  Maybe that's why I didn't in the end...or part of the reason, anyway.  Another part was fear...of messing up, of missing out.  Yet another was not wanting to cause certain people undue pain.  That was part of a reason to do it though, the pain.  It was to illustrate it, to put feeling to something that had been inside me that most people didn't seem to be able to grasp.  It was to see reactions, to cause waves, to lead to confusion.

Maybe, I though, if I just did this one thing, someone would reevaluate the system and fix it, make it better.  Take away pieces of the hell that some of us went through so that those after us wouldn't have to just deal with it but could thrive and grow without these terrorizing constraints.  And I doubt it would have happened, but it was a nice thing to think about.  To hope for.  To look forward to secretly, even if I knew I probably wouldn't and knew I didn't want to deal with.

He said there were some who did it the day after.  I never really made complete sense of it.  I guess the thought was the same as mine, to show that they could make it but just didn't want to.  I saw it a slightly different way, that's all.  And I wish I knew who they were, could understand where they came from and what drove them to something I couldn't bring myself to do.  But maybe I'm better off not knowing.  Maybe some secrets are better left untouched.