Age

It's odd.  The past couple of years have given me a sort of experience that most people don't get until they reach the age I'm currently at.  And while I realize that it's different, and that having gone through the transition a few years ago rather than a month from now isn't the same thing, I feel myself to be beyond that.  A step above it.  The transition I'm about to make feels beneath me in some way.

Let me interrupt that train of thought a little bit to put in this tidbit.  As you may or may not have guessed, I'm arrogant.  I have an odd mix of an inferiority complex while at the same time thinking that everything is beneath me.  I haven't yet been able to find a balance between the two.  Going back to the topic at hand, yes, I do think I'm better prepared and more capable of handling this coming situation than the vast majority of students.  Judge me all you want, I don't care.  This blog is here for a reason.  I'm allowed to rant.  I can scream about things that are unfair.  I know that just about nobody wants to hear me going on about this again because I've spent most of the summer doing just that, so I'll write it instead.  I'm not asking anyone to read it.  This is just for me.

And I feel like the past couple of years have gotten me over that phase where it seemed like an awesome idea or experience.  I got over the fact that being utterly screwed over is glamorous.  Yeah, I went through that phase.  I pushed a lot of limits.  And now I'm over it.  And I know that most of the people I'm going to meet aren't going to be.  It's their first taste of this sort of experience, and, like mine was years ago, it's going to be exciting, and they're going to be pushing limits too.

That's just the thing, though.  I have no interest in pushing limits or spending my time with people who are going to be doing that.  The fact of the matter is that I'm ready to settle down on my own and not bother with people trying to help me or protect me or "guide" me through this "transition."  I've never been terribly social and I've reached the point in my life where I just want to take responsibility for my own self, without being bothered about the importance of making friends or meeting new people.

I. Don't. Care.

Hell, I didn't care terribly much years ago, either.  And I found myself in a company of people I haven't talked to since that first month.  None of the friendships I made in that so-called critical period have stuck with me.  In a couple of months, I found people who I got along with well and who are my friends now.  I don't need to be pushed into social settings because the people I like spending my time with often don't like those settings either.

I just want to be left alone to figure things out on my own.  Is that really so much to ask?