Maybe it's something about nights like this. When it's late and it's dark and there's rain pouring down everywhere and I don't want to turn on the windshield wipers until I literally almost can't see. Maybe it's just a result of the day that came before the driving. And maybe it's everything all together, the cascade of fatigue and emotions and not being home for quite a while.
But maybe it's fundamentally something far more significant than that. And maybe these thoughts aren't just tired ramblings like they seem to be. I'm resistant against such an answer because it's terrifying. And I don't want it to be the truth. And it scares me. So it feels easier to just blame it on the exhaustion and lay the blame anywhere else so that I don't have to think about it.
Because the thing is, sometimes I think I'd rather die than lose this. That it'd be easier to just let go than try to put all the pieces back together when the glue that held them there is just...gone. Because I don't know how to end things any differently or how they could possibly work out without going haywire and messing everything up.
So maybe it's just the dark and stormy night. And maybe it's just the feeling I always get when taking a turn a little too sharply. And maybe it's just that one song that always sticks out in my mind when I drive alone. Maybe I'm crazy. But it's not a thought that I can get out of my mind. And that scares the hell out of me.
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