Changes

It just hit me that this is the last summer I'll ever have like this.  Not just summer, and not just last.  These past two months, they've been the only period of my life that I can ever hope to turn out in any similar fashion.  Sure, things weren't perfect, but it was the best that could have happened, the best of the real, not idealized world.  Two months.  That's it.  The only time when I knew exactly what I wanted to be doing and where I wanted to be and I didn't doubt, for once in my life I didn't doubt and just let myself be happy.

It was (dare I say it?) wonderful.  So now my summer's over.  I know I'm still here for seventeen days, but it's not the same.  It's not my summer anymore.  My summer has been over for five days now, because that's when you left.  That's what really made my summer.  Being with someone I love.  Having the freedom to do so, and the time to spare.  I didn't have to be busy or stressed or preoccupied and I could see you every day.  It was the best of, well, everything, really.

I don't remember the last time anything made this much sense, and that scares me.  I know I worry too much, but I'm also trying to think rationally.  It's one thing to be happy without stress.  It's another to try to make not only your life but also someone else's work under pressure, facing adversity, dealing with a lot of pain.  And that's what I'm worried about.  Because while this summer was the most wonderful thing I could have asked for, I'm afraid that nothing's ever going to be that wonderful again, not even with you.

There was an odd, so to speak, character in a wonderful series of fantasy novels that I read many years back who was cursed.  His eyes saw the passage of time--each flower that was in bloom, he could already see wilting; the young, he could already see withering away into old age.  I feel to a point like that's the way my brain is working.  Everything around me that is beautiful and wonderful, I see falling to pieces and falling apart.  I don't know how to fix that, although I desperately want to.

I really hope it doesn't fall apart...