Those

I'm in one of those moods again.  And no, I don't actually know what I mean by that, not exactly, anyway.  It's just this state of oddness because I've calmed down and stopped being a nervous wreck (for the entirety of today, at least), but I don't know what to say and I feel like I'm drowning in emptiness.  It's not that I don't feel emotions right now, I feel plenty, I'm not numb.  It's just that I'm a little bit lost.

I'm in an in-between that resides in the empty space between a bigger in-between and a something-significant (which never turns out to be nearly as significant as you want it to be, but you still tell yourself that it is, and it will be).  In some ways, this is honestly very nice.  I read a book today.  An entire book.  I haven't done that in a while.  Oh, and it wasn't a book that I had to read for the purpose of learning something.  It was simply a novel, and one that I thoroughly enjoy, time and time again.

Parts of me like having nothing to do because it means I can drown myself in novels and people who never existed but have affected my life almost as much as the real people in it.  Parts of me hate it because it feels like the most worthless part of an already worthless life.  I'm not intending for that to sound self-deprecating or anything.  I've always been quite the existentialist, and it's coming through in my word choice here.  I do think that life is worthless because it leads nowhere...we're born and then we die and everything that happens in between really doesn't matter because after we're gone, we'll eventually be forgotten, no matter how great and wonderful we were.

It doesn't mean that I purposely try to live my life in an easily forgotten way, just that I don't strive to be eternally remembered.  I don't want to be the figurehead of a movement.  I don't need to change thousands of lives to feel satisfied with my own.  I just want to do my best and try to be happy and get to know the people around me and help them in any way I can.  That's enough for me.  Some people say that all they aspire to do is just to change one life, that that would be enough for them.  I have issues with that goal for two primary reasons:

1) Everyone changes the life of everyone they come in contact with and, indirectly, even some people they never know exist.  It's just how it works.  It may not be a major change, or may not seem like it at least, but, like it or not, we change the people around us and are constantly changed by them, even if we try not to be.

2) Everything is glorified these days.  Life is glorified, death is glorified, change is glorified, and so is everything in between.  Changing a life may mean the world to you, but it doesn't matter much on the grand scale of the universe.  Changing, or hell even saving a life, which is looked upon so highly, isn't some sort of magical process that completes a human being.  It doesn't work that way.  It's not the sort of thing you can look back on and cite as your defining moment, or certainly not in the majority of cases.

I've gotten off track and started ranting.  To be honest, I don't remember what I started writing about or how I got where I did.  I made a few points, expressed a few opinions.  I'm happy with that.  So I'm going to wrap this up while it's not too lengthy or unbearably convoluted.