Concern

This post is going to be a compilation of a ridiculous number of things.  I've relived about five months in less than a day in a parallel universe.  Some things have hurt.  Some things astounded me.  Enough things shocked me in any number of different ways.  In a sense, I'm at a loss.  I'm not sure how to react, to respond, what to say.  There have been any number of thoughts in my mind, any assortment of emotions going back and forth.  I'm not sure even where to begin.  But as this is freshest in my mind (albeit entirely out of order and pattern with the rest), I will start with responses to the most recent, knowing that there is a good chance I will not address the older things in this post at all.

I'm sorry.  I know I messed up then.  I know I've done it often enough through all of this, and I know that sometimes it seems as though I don't deserve this, shouldn't be here, should stop messing up.  It all carries weight.  I'm sorry for all of the pain I have caused, to everyone.  It's an apology that doesn't deserve to be accepted, but I mean it with all my heart.  I am a different person than I was.  I grew up, I fixed the way I live my life.  I'm not perfect, nor are the things I do.  But I'm better than I was then.  I don't know if certain people will want to simply believe it.  I can't change that.  One thing I promise for certain, though, is that I will never do that again, so please don't let me, anyone who is willing. 

I fucked up.  That's the only way to put it.  I'm so sorry for not having thought about it then, for having been foolish enough to not realize how it would affect me and people around me in the future.  I don't deny it, I was wrong in everything I did at that time.  I'm so sorry.  But I can't change it.  I've dealt with the consequences of those decisions and I'm done with that.  This is all I can say on the subject.  That's honestly not what I was going to write about in the first place.  And with respect to things I am not supposed to know, I appreciate the sentiment.  For some reason that I can't quite place, it means a lot to me. 

But this is what I was going to say: thank you.  I realized today that I've started remembering how to feel, how to be concerned, how to take care of people, myself and otherwise.  Even though I didn't realize it, I lost more than I expected.  I lost bigger pieces of myself than I had thought, or so it would appear.  Today, it hit me that I had found some.  I found that I could care.  I don't know what changed or really how, but I didn't hurt in the same way and I cared in ways I hadn't for years now.  Thank you.  I don't know how you did it or how it worked.  But something happened and somehow, I don't know how but in ways I can't deny, I've gotten better.

It almost scares me because I don't know how to deal with being better like this.  I'm not sure what it feels like anymore.  It's been a long time.  I don't know quite what to do with this much happiness and I don't know how to react to it.  I still make mistakes.  I think I'm getting better about it and making fewer of them, I'm learning, I'm working on it.  I'm glad I at least have the motivation to do as much by this point in time.  Thank you for giving me the strength and the inspiration to actually want to get better.  Thank you.  Thank you for absolutely everything you've been and done, for being the amazing person you are, for accepting me as I am, and making me as happy as you have.  I couldn't have done it without you.  I love you, you are amazing, and no matter where this goes or what happens, I want to thank you so very very much.