Restless

I can't think anymore.  I don't know what the hell this is or why it doesn't make sense.  All I know is that more than anything else, I'm just frustrated and irritated and I don't know what to do about it.  No, that's not really it.  And maybe I've got it all backwards...maybe the entirety of the problem resides in the fact that I can in fact still think perfectly clearly, and that everything is entirely too transparent.

Something about life has become too easy in a sense.  I can see what is needed, sometimes even what is wanted, and I can determine entirely what I should do or could do or would do in given circumstances to make things better, or perhaps to simply make them work at all.  It's not really that it's too easy.  The thing is, it's particularly mundane, peculiarly repetitive, and ever so simply boring.  Parts of it seem almost to require no effort anymore.  At the same time that it is in a way a pleasant relief to be drifting through the universe in this familiar haze, part of me feels trapped and unable to actually act in it.

I'm here, just somehow trying to get by, because even though I'm able to make sense of it all somehow, it feels entirely unreal to sit here and not feel anything.  Because in all honesty, it's been easily more than several days since I have actually been victim to legitimate sensation, real emotion, anything beyond a dull ache and a simple clarity of mind, and an altogether too reasonable resignation to letting things be as they will.

It has been nice while I haven't been feeling quite myself, but all the same, it would be nicer to be able to make sense of it again, to be able to actually affect the way things go in my life rather than simply watching it float by and participating only through routine motions and simple rhythms.  Now that I've (hopefully) more or less slept off the worst of the pain, misery, discomfort, and whatever more may have come of it, I would like to start regaining control of it all.  That would be rather nice.  Really.