Habitual

I do this to myself.  I know that.  I tear myself to shreds by way of my insatiable curiosity, and then I break myself still further by letting it affect me.  And this happens in every case.  It happened then, it happens now, and I know it to be my own fault entirely.  So why don't I stop?  Why can't I just make myself stop this dreadful continuation of thought that leads to so many messes?

It is this ridiculous curiosity, this need to know, this fear of everything...that's what ends up ruining it all in the end.  And I don't know how to fix it.  I just know that I really should.  Because this won't sustain me for much longer.  I know that.  Knowing this and that and something or other...that makes me not only feel like a terrible person, but makes me also think that I am one.  To put this in perfectly frank terms, that sucks.  In thinking that I am a worse person, I become one.  That's how thought influences actuality.

I have nothing against opinions, especially not at points like right now when I'm starting to think them to be true myself.  But damn.  Just...damn.  It's my own fault, I know.  If I didn't know, it would all be so much simpler.  Ignorance is bliss, after all.  This makes me very much believe it.  Assumption...is it better than this or is it worse?  Perhaps it gives me more to fear.  Yet even in this, I find myself wondering what I still don't know, what remains for me to fear.

Really, this leaves me no choice but to face the music, as is often said.  Here I am, trying to make sense of my goddamn life and messing it all up as I go along.  Isn't that just lovely?  No.  It's really not.  I'm sorry.  For my behavior and for the vagueness and fuzziness of this post, because I rather doubt it makes the least bit of sense.  I'm sorry.  Oh, and in case it isn't clear yet: I'm sorry.  Really.  Seriously.  Very sorry.  It'll make sense at some point, hopefully, although I doubt it's going to work once it does.  Sorry.