5940

That's how many words it took.  Six and a half hours later, I'd rewritten something that had started over a year ago as a page-long piece.  I haven't reread it since I wrote it nor do I have any desire to.  Somehow, it was that much easier to write at odd hours of the morning when I was too numb to feel what I was saying, which is quite possibly the only reason I wrote any of what I did.  Going back and reading it would be the hard part.  I don't want to relive everything that was spewed out into that piece.

I don't know what purpose it even serves.  I tried to write down everything so that I would have some semblance of an answer, some greater acceptance or understanding, but I'm lacking in that.  Maybe I have to read it to get anything out of it.  I know, it makes more sense that way.  That doesn't mean I have any desire to do that right now, though.  That's why I want someone to read it and say something about any piece of it, make me go back and reread a given paragraph so that I had somewhere to start.  But it's not exactly something that I can shove at most people and expect them to patiently read through (because 5940 words isn't so few).

I went to bed at seven this morning.  Woke up at ten.  I don't do very well with this concept of sleeping in.  I've really never been very good at it.  Days like today are the ones where this bites me in the ass.  I realized last night, too, that this would happen, but some greater part of me overruled that and determined that I couldn't sleep until I was done.  So I didn't.  I think it was probably the right way to write it, anyway.  I needed to be in that numb, confused state to put the words down.  Otherwise it wouldn't have actually made its way into text.

Maybe I'll get something out of this.  Maybe I won't.  If anybody wants to read this document (or not quite document, as the case may be), just ask.  Permission may or may not be granted, but I really would like feedback, so I should leave it open at least to some extent.  Sorry if this doesn't make perfect sense...I'm still thorougly tired.