I'm writing right now in case I don't get the chance to later today. This past week has been so hellish and insane that I still don't know what's going to happen or where my mind is or if I'm going to find the time, or patience, to write. I could find the time, I know that. If I have anything worthwhile to say, I probably will. To a point, it all depends on what happens in the near future, because things are still hanging in the balance and such.
I'm not scared anymore. At some point it hit me that some things really just don't matter. Okay, so they can get worse, or they can get better, or they can remain at approximately this same level of "being alright," but in the end, it doesn't matter. I've come to terms with all of the hell that has been swirling around me for the past week and I'm calm. I'm ready for them to be concluded, to come to an end.
The nice part is knowing that I'm almost there. That in one week everything will necessarily be over. There's no way that it can really continue beyond that. And I know that I am currently alright because I've accepted it and I will be alright because "this too shall pass," as I have heard said many times before. This isn't apathy. I've been through the apathetic phase of this struggle already and I'm past it. In a way, I guess this is like the stages of grief (however many there are)--denial, anger, acceptance...I don't remember what order they're in or what exactly they are, because I'm not grieving. I'm dealing with something else. I've been through denial and anger and apathy. Now I've accepted it.
Everything will be alright. In fact, it already is. It's not yet back to usual, back to normal, yet. It's nice having that "yet" there. Even though that word is usually found in less than happy circumstances, this is not such an occasion. I'm glad that there is a "yet" there because it means that it will get back to normal, that this will have only made me stronger and not destroyed me. I'm not a huge fan of Nietzsche, and I usually don't even agree with the quote "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" (for any number of reasons I won't get into now...that's a rant for a different post), in this case, it is absolutely and completely fitting. This hasn't torn me apart, it has made me stronger.
This past week has, to a point, been completely wasted. Everything that has happened has terrified me and confused me and left me shaken and slightly broken at points. I have done nothing beyond the bare minimum because I did not know how to bring myself to. I maintained. I didn't grow, but simply stayed the same because it was a struggle to keep from falling behind. Now that it's coming to an end, I can start making up for all of that. I can begin to move forward again. I can stop hiding the panic and the fear and the terror and the pain because it's not there anymore. There's none of it left to hide.
I'm okay. Everything is fine. We got through this. Thank you.
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