Flashback

Oh how much things have changed.  Where I am and where I've been.  But that's how life goes.  Things change. I've heard it said that the only constant is change.  It is, in and of itself, an oxymoron.  It doesn't exactly make much sense when thinking about it literally.  Figuratively, though...figuratively it makes perfect sense.  Everything changes.  Always.  We know that going into things, we know that they will change.  We sometimes ignore this knowledge, sometimes it seems like it doesn't matter, but we always know.

It's odd to look at that and realize that a year ago, that was me.  I stood there, I said those words, thought those thoughts, gazed longingly at everything I wanted to have but couldn't.  That was me (except perhaps that I was more depressed and frantic and more of an emotional wreck, but that's just the way I am).  Then my life changed.  For the better.  There's no doubt in my mind about that.  It's been wonderful.  Even right now, life is good.  I've been through messes, and one thing I've learned from those is that I'll get through it.

My mind is in an odd place right now.  It's drifting further and further away from reality, and going deeper and deeper into the hypothetical corner.  And no, I do not mean the metaphorical corner, I very much mean the hypothetical one.  It's where my mind goes when I get the opportunity to think too much.  That's where I try to figure out what will happen.  After years of trying such things over and over again, it's gotten to the point where when I'm in that corner, reality and fantasy start to merge together and I can't tell one from the other.

In effect, that's where I am right now.  I can't, or perhaps would rather not, differentiate between what is possible and what isn't.  Sometimes these thoughts are by far the most beautiful, whether they are realistic or not.  They're not things I can really put into writing or even vocalize.  They are, simply put, something that reminds me of where I am, how far I have come, what has changed, everything that has gotten me where I am today.  It makes me smile, somehow.  I'm not sure why, but that's how it is, and I really don't mind.