Truth

It's been a while since I've written a good post and an even longer while since I've written the truth.  Maybe.  No, actually I think it's the other way around.  Regardless, I think it's time for me to write something good and worthwhile.  To a point, the reason is that I have things to say, even though I'm afraid to say them and am not sure how to write such things down.  But I guess I have to try and hope they won't hurt too much. 

I can't say yes.  I mean, I can.  But I'm not going to.  And it hurts that I can't because I want to and you want to and this is all just stupid and ridiculous.  I guess that's why they say such things complicate relationships.  And then sometimes, sometimes I worry that things like this are the reason that it's not going to work.  Because this is probably the first time I'm standing really firmly on something and every time I say no it hurts you and I'm a little bit less resolute and more angry at myself for letting it affect me.

Except that I can't expect it to not affect me because that's just the way we are and that's the way we hurt.  Which sounds melodramatic.  But true.  It seems so reasonable that after all of this, things will stop hurting because it won't be problematic anymore and I won't feel persecuted for making these decisions.  But in the meantime I still do.  More than that, I'm afraid that if not this, there will always be other things.  If not this, maybe that; if not one thing, it will be another.

I'm hoping that we do end up working this out.  That this actually ends up hurting less and we can be okay just compromising completely about some things.  But I'm afraid that we'll end up just living through it, just barely hanging on until it's over and then not worrying about this particular problem at that point.  Because then we're going to find other problems and other things that don't seem to work and I don't want to fall apart over something like that. 

We get hurt easily, both of us.  We get hurt when one doesn't want to do this or that but the other does.  I'm fairly sure it's not a conscious decision, it's just this subconscious disappointment that neither of us can help and hurts us both.  Neither of us is going to change our preference in this case, and I don't want either of us to stop being vocal about it just because we disagree.  I don't know how to deal with it or work through it, but I'm going to keep trying.  I really hope this works out in the end.