Dreams

Have you ever woken up with tears in your eyes?

I have. This morning. I woke up curled up, sobbing, and as soon as I opened my eyes, I realized that I was crying, too. It carries over the dream I was having, which ended with me on the floor, tears streaming down my face at a ridiculous rate. It was one of those convoluted nightmares, where you aren't even aware of the fact that it isn't real until you wake up. My mother and my childhood best friend had turned against me, thrown me on the floor, beaten me down to submission, until I had to plead to be spared.

I can definitely see where it reflects my life, although some of the aspects still puzzle me. The sheer experience of waking up from a dream like that though, is quite terrifying. Needless to say, I did not get enough sleep. Nor was it, for that matter, the least bit restful. Looking back on it is strangely calming, relaxing, almost soothing. It's confusing. I'm still trying to piece together not only what it represents in my life, but this reaction to it--from the initial shaking horror to this quietude that has now set in.

The first day and a half of this new year have already been eventful and interesting enough. I can only imagine what is yet to come. I'm scared of what lies ahead. I'm afraid that I will make the same mistakes I did before, or that I will let a million more chances pass me by like I did last year. That's also partially because I've already spent several hours this morning reflecting on May of 2009. This is directed to one specific individual, who may or may not ever read this: that month was the most intense, fascinating month of my life. It is also the one I am struggling to deal with, full of decisions and consequences that I am still having difficulty accepting even now, over six months later. Don't make the mistakes I did, don't let this become to you what May 2009 is to me.

I have a year of choices ahead of me, and I won't let my uncertainty keep me from accomplishing the things I aspire to. I'm still rather caught up in the "new year, fresh start" attitude at present, so forgive me for my last three posts being unceasingly focused on that. But already, I can see how I have changed--I'm done just going along with things, and I'm willing to stand up for what I believe finally, even when it may conflict with the opinions of my friends. I've changed. In part for the worse and in part for the better, and I will continue to change. This year is for me to get better, not sink down like I did in the last. And I'm still mulling over the specifics of my dream, trying to understand it, just like I'm dealing with last year. It's getting better. Everything will be alright, I've learned that life goes on. Sometimes, that's the only thing keeping us all going, and the simplicity and certainty is what helps us get through it all.