Give Anything

Right now, I would give anything to have the last year of my life back. To go back in time and just change one thing. It would be so different now, if I could do that. All the mistakes I made, all the pieces that fell apart, all the tears I shed. As much as I have learned in the past year, none of it should have happened.

When I was younger, I always prided myself on how mature I was, how responsible, intelligent I thought myself to be. And now I look back on all of the mistakes I made and realize that I was foolish. I still am, although a good bit less so, I suspect. I don't want to pin the blame on anybody else, I take full responsibility for my actions, and I don't feel guilty. I've accepted the consequences and everything that has come out of it, but I still can't move on.

I got hurt so badly in so many ways, that sometimes it feels like it wasn't worth it and like this is a risk I never want to take again. But I know that eventually I will take risks again and be able to move on from it all. Today, I let go of the final piece that I could that reminds me of that relationship, and I left it out with a note saying, "Take it if you want it. I hope it makes you as happy as it once did me."

I doubt anybody will think anything of that note, or consider the thought on my part that really went into it. But somehow, it matters to me that I left it with a note like that. Because even though I was naive and deceived and misguided, I was still happy then. Which is perhaps why its so hard to let go of it all. I learned so much, but I made so many mistakes. And I don't honestly think that what I got out of it as far as experience and realization was worth the pain that I'm dealing with now as a result.

I may not be solely responsible for the mess that resulted, but I take responsibility for it anyway, and I do it for two reasons. First, I know that if I didn't, nobody else would either. And second, because I've become stronger as a result of all of this. It may have been a hell that I fought through, and I'm still coming to terms with it, but I know that I am capable of dealing with it now. Over a year ago, several months before this all began, I said "I never realized before last night how scared I was of getting hurt." I guess I've gotten over that fear, but I never want to be hurt like that again. And I really would give anything to go back to a year ago and just change that one decision. Anything.