In The Moment

The past couple of days, if not weeks, have been filled with worthless writing, distraction, and filling space. I think its about time to change that. Here I am, completely alone, with all of the work that needs to be done completed, good music keeping me from wanting to move too much, and hours of time at my disposal. I'm going to try to make this an actually good post--insightful, powerful, emotional, and true.

As many times as I may say it, it will never be enough: moments determine our lives. Right now, I am keenly aware of the moments that got me where I am today. The moment in which I decided to change priorities, the one where I stepped past the line of questioning my morals, the one where I tried to be a good friend at the risk of everything I've got. Moments of intense realization, moments of discovery, moments of intense risk and passionate accomplishment, and even those moments of stepping past my limits and collapsing back again.

Even as I look back with clear thought and rational capacity at what got me precisely where I am today, I can't help but ask even still, "How did I get here? What did I do? What happened?" But I know that nothing happened. It was me, my actions, my decisions, and now my consequences. Now I sit here, trying to figure it out, hoping for a change, but praying that it won't come. I'm still lost. I got off track and now I'm trying to get back on, and its not easy. That's why I'm trying to make the most of it.

"When it hurts so much you can't breathe--that's how you stay alive." I have that quote on a post-it on my desk because that's precisely where I am right now. I'm coming to terms with the mistakes I've made, and trying to understand the world around me and the people in it. I'm sitting here afraid of making more mistakes, afraid of even taking that risk, but knowing that I must. I'm sitting here afraid that a decision will backfire, and that I will be hurt perhaps not only emotionally but also physically because I don't know people or their limits.

Here I am, with my breath constricting in my lungs, my muscles tightened, and tears brimming in my eyes. I'm afraid to live. It seems as though every decision I make turns out to be a mistake, and every time I try to do something right, I end up messing something up. I wonder where I'll be years from now...will I be successful or pitiful? Worthless or miserable? I can't know. In truth, my only option now is to overcome the fear and start to live again. If I don't do that, I won't get anywhere. I just need to take a deep breath and plunge in, and in a way, I guess I have. I'm still working on making sense of it all, but I hope that I'm getting there. Perhaps the question I need to ask myself more often is, "what am I doing in this moment and where will it lead me in the future?" If I had asked that earlier, I would not be here right now. I guess the moment starts now, so here goes nothing.