Reciprocity

I've gotten used to unreturned phone calls and unrequited love. Somehow, everything not working has become the norm in my life. It doesn't really make very much sense, not am I exactly happy about it, but that's how it is. Every time I want something, I can't have it or I don't get it. It's been months since I've been really happy and even then it was a deluded satisfaction with the world.

I'm tired of giving the world everything and getting back what seems like nothing in return. I'm exhausted because I haven't gotten anything back to repay for the pain I've gone through with each occurrence. And I'm not about to ask for it. Even if I'm not okay, I will never admit it and say that I am. I'm the person who will never ask for help, no matter how much I may need or want it. Even if it is put before me, I am hesitant to accept it and benefit.

I have adjusted myself to a cruel world, but have not fully come to terms with it quite yet. Why can you not see? I could walk away and find something else to worry about, but the fact of the matter is that I haven't. I choose my battles wisely, even if they are losing ones. Is it ironic that I fight more often for my friends than for myself, that I choose to hurt myself so that those around me feel the stinging wound less?

I'm not trying to be the selfishly unsolicited humanitarian, but that appears to be the position that I have put myself into. And its all because I care. I don't want to be hurting myself, but even more than that, I don't want to see my friends hurt. So I guess that at one point, I stood at a crossroads of decision. I made my choice. I chose my friends, the people I care about. Now I'm fighting the battle that I selected for myself. And with that, I can't expect reciprocity, that is merely the fact of the matter. I get to deal with it.