Good Enough

Curled up on the bed.  Wanting anything but for her to move.  Wishing she would just go away.  Realizing how contradictory that is, and not caring anyway.  Fragmenting off into visions of the future.  Visions where we don't work any more.  Where things are broken, torn, or just worn down to the point of worthlessness.   Wondering if it's too late to change my mind.  Maybe they haven't given the spot away yet.  Maybe I can convince them to let me change into a program that's still open.  And maybe if I do, then she won't be hurt.  Maybe, if I can just do this, tear myself apart like this, she can finally be happy.  Maybe, if I push myself away from her hard enough, I can push her into the arms of someone good enough.  Maybe that would be enough.  I'd like that.  Seeing her with someone who can really make her happy.  It would hurt that it couldn't be me, but if it helped her, it would be worth it.

God, would it be worth it.  If only I knew how.  If only I could be sure.  Then I could let her be everything she can.  Then I could stop dragging her down like this.  Stop keeping her from all the things she wants to do that I just can't.  Stop holding her to the limits I know are right for me, but that are hurting her so.  And then, maybe, if I did it all just right, I could just.... stop.  It wouldn't matter any more.  Once I make her happy, make sure there's someone there to take care of her, I could go.

But no.  I can't start thinking like that again.   I know what lies down that path.  I don't want it.  Or do I? It's been a while.  Maybe it would be ok, just to slip this once.  Maybe, just this once, it would help.  I want to.  I'm scared.  I know I shouldn't.  I don't know why I want to.  I thought I was past this.  I really, truly, thought I was getting better.  Knowing that somehow makes it all the more tempting.  But no.  I can't.  It would hurt her.  I don't want to hurt her.  I've already hurt her too much.

I'm sorry.  I wish I could be better.  I wish I could be good enough.  I love you.