Energy

I don't have it.  Maybe it's a "with age sort of thing" or maybe it's something else.  It's not sleep-deprivation, because right now I'm really not terribly sleep-deprived, if at all.  The weather may have had a bit to do with it, but I don't get the impression it was to blame.  Then again, I have no idea why, but today just exhausted me.  Completely and utterly drained any reserves I may have had.

I don't really have much to say right now.  I'm just tired.  Happy about some things.  Anxious about others.  Hanging in there.  I'm back to sitting back and letting life take me places (last time I got the idea to make things happen didn't go so well).  Now I'm thinking about two years ago.  Not much nostalgia there, nor terribly much emotion anymore at all, really.

I did it because I needed to prove to myself that I could act on my own desires.  Which was an awfully stupid reason to do it.  I knew it, too.  Walking over there that morning, I knew it was a mistake.  I still did.  And it started a lot of hell for me.  No, the start of the hell was way before that stupid decision, but it certainly caused a good bit of panic for a while.

I have no intention of ever repeating it.  I don't feel the need to.  Somehow, I'm becoming more okay with being calm and settled.  I don't mind the idea of consistency and I don't always need excitement.  Sure, small changes and interesting occurrences are nice every once in a while, but I no longer crave them the way I used to.  Anyway, I'm rambling.  I'll wrap it up and stop not making sense.  Good night.