Goodbyes

From what I knew of people and the writing I read well after the fact, I get the impression that many of them had this sadness at the end, this odd and fleeting nostalgia.  They wanted it to never end, they wanted things to last forever.  Or at least a little bit longer because at the very end, it seemed that differences started to fade.  But see, I never had that.  I just wanted to be gone.  

I always thought I'd be one of them, laughing and crying and wishing it wouldn't end.  That's how it was the year before.  That's why I wrote a massive post on the subject.  It was a big deal then.  I thought it would be more so now because I'll never go back there.  And it didn't happen.  I wasn't sad or bitter about the fact that I'd never see or even talk to most of those people again.

I enjoy good company and I like having people to talk to.  I don't really need most of them, though.  And the few I do...I know they'll be around.  At the very least until I get myself established afresh.  The past few years have put me through a lot, and while I do have a lot of pleasant memories walking out of that place, there are still so many more that are so painful I can't bring myself to fully think about them still, even though they've worn and faded with the years like everything else.

The wounds are still too fresh.  The fact that it's been so long tells you just how deep some of them cut.  I was young and foolish at the start of it all.  I doubt I'm too much better now, but at least it's something.  Innocent spirit is easy to wound because even though it knows that evil exists, it can't really fathom the true extent of it. I wasn't exactly angelic, but I was far from as stained and worn out by the world as I am now.  My notions of love and loyalty were hopeful and rosy.  I envisioned a perfect world.

And that place, the one I've left but haven't been able to separate myself from, it's what taught me this, it's where I learned.  I found lies and betrayal, I made mistakes, I lost pieces of myself.  So by the time it came to the end, I was ready to leave because I think I really needed to.  It wasn't hard.  I didn't cry.  Maybe I never will.  But I feel like given enough time for the wounds to heal, I'll be alright, I'll miss it and the way it taught me certain things, because even though the lessons left their marks, permanently, I've grown stronger for them.  

One day I might be sad because I wasn't then.  But not yet.