Those who know me well inevitably either know or can guess where I got the title of this post. And yes, I do rather often steal titles for posts from song titles and/or lyrics. So while the song is rather irrelevant in what I am writing right now, the title fits better than pretty much anything else could. That, coupled with the fact that I'm not particularly fond of generic titles like Say Goodbye, explains why I chose the phrase I did.
Anyway...moving on from my selections for titles and back to the real reason I'm writing right now (no, it is not merely because I make myself).
It's unreal. It's not right. I couldn't have just transported my entire life from one place to another in a car today. It's not possible. I didn't. This can't really be happening. It's like a brief vacation, like I'll go back to my true home in a couple of days. You can't ask me to uproot my entire existence, to just pack it up and go elsewhere like none of that ever happened.
Today, I said goodbye to people I will never see again. I said goodbye to people who have literally been keeping me alive for months now. I said goodbye to people who I will never see the same way as I saw them today because everything will change before I see them again. I said goodbye to people who have broken me and people who have put me back together, even some who have done both.
I left a piece of myself there that I don't think I'm ever getting back. What happens now? What do I do with myself? I don't know how to function without my home, without my friends, without the people who have changed me in so many ways. And I'm afraid. I'm afraid because now, everything is changing. Now, my entire life may fall apart. Now, I have to keep myself from breaking. I don't know if I remember how to do that anymore. I've lived for too long with people supporting me.
To those I left behind forever, I will miss you and thank you for being interesting people to talk to and share a portion of my life with. To those who I will see again in a couple of months, I can't wait to see you again, and I hope you make the most of this time apart. And finally, to those for whom everything will change, to those who I will never be able to talk to the same way again, to those I don't know I'll ever be able to forget, thank you for having changed my life, thank you for having been there for me, thank you for absolutely everything, and I hope that after whatever happens in the near future, everything somehow works out, however that may be.
It's strange. I'm awash in a million emotions and I don't know what any of them are. Between the exhaustion and the confusion, the anticipation and the fear...I don't know. There's a certain finality to it, and yet it's lacking entirely. It doesn't feel like the end. I can't imagine not seeing these people again tomorrow, or in a week...not to mention a matter of months.
Those goodbyes, some of them really were final. Some of them really do mean the end of something. And I don't think I've really come to terms with that fact quite yet. I don't know that I'm ready for this right now. Maybe I am, maybe I'm not, but I have no choice in the fact. Now, all that's left to me is to take it and make the most of it, to try not to break myself through my fear, my anticipation, my confusion...
I have memories now that I don't think I'll ever forget. I've had experiences that are unlike any others. I've met close friends. I've found still more of myself. Nothing that happens in the next few months can change what happened or what it means to me. Whatever changes from here on out, it can't take away the things that I have gained.
I guess this is the end of one chapter in my life, and effectively the start of another. I'm hesitant to turn the page because of some things that have occurred. But I have no choice. So here goes nothing as I move into the future and the rest of my life.
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