Issues

The more I think about life, the more I realize how many unresolved issues I have. Some of these have carried over from childhood, problems developed as a result of my parents' disciplinary techniques. Others are issues that came as a result of interactions with other people, ways in which I have been hurt and interactions that I have had. And still others are developed from my own independent thought processes, from existentialist views of life, and that are in a way insecurities that I brought upon myself.

The unifying factor between all of these issues I have is that I want to fix them. I want to change them. After a full year of letting them float around me and cloud my judgment, I want to change something. Or rather, I realize that I need to, in order to make anything of myself or my life. For myself, I have no other choice--I can change now, or I can continue living the hell I am now.

So I need to change. I need to fix some things. I need to work on my mentality, my outlook, my reactions, my attachments, to name a few concepts for me to take upon myself. I know that it stands before me to improve my own life right now, to resolve my issues, to work through what's happened, understand it, and comprehensively understand the standards to which I desire to hold myself.

The question is: how do I do it?

That's what the summer months are for. This is a chance for me to think for myself. My daily three hours of commute are an opportunity to come to terms with everything. I can't let myself get caught up in the minutia and details which too often seem to determine my perspective on things. I have a little over two months now (67 days, to be precise) to fix something, to work through it, to make it work.

What I want is to make sense of how I react to things and why I treat them the way I do. I realize that fear is a lot of what is holding me back, and while I realize the foolishness of it in a sense, I on the other hand can't help but realize the usefulness of it for my avoidance of stupid mistakes. But what I really need for that isn't fear, it's rationality. I can't avoid things because I fear them, but should rather avoid them because I have rationally determined their harm to me.

And that's just the start. Now I have to go from there. I have to continue that to the rest of my issues, and start applying it all to how I live my life. I've got some time now, I need to use it as much as I can.