And I Couldn't Sleep

I couldn't sleep last night. I couldn't sleep because I lay there and I just kept thinking. I just kept thinking and playing my life out in my head. I'd roll over one minute to face the wall, and the next to look at the glaring red digits of the clock again. And sometime in there, I finally started admitting things to myself that I was afraid to really admit before.

Maybe right now, by writing this, I'm hoping to get a little bit better in a sense, I'm hoping to start living again instead of just being afraid, I'm hoping to do something for myself again without caring what anyone else has to say about it. I guess that here, in this moment, I get to start putting down into text the words that are hard to say, expressing the things that I can't ask for.

I love you. And I don't want to lose you. And maybe you think I'm crazy or obsessed for this being the thought on my mind in the middle of the night and then again at work, but then so be it, because frankly, it is what it is and I don't think it's changing anytime soon. People tell me that I deserve better, and maybe they're right, and maybe I do. But the thing is, I don't care. I fell in love with you, not with someone they say I deserve.

I don't know if I will ever admit this again, and I don't know what I will think of this after I post it, but today I'm changing something and saying the truth, simple and clear. Yes, I want to be with you. I don't care if it's bad for me, or if I can't handle it emotionally...I'll find a way to deal with that when it comes up. And yes, I am absolutely terrified, because I've seen you go from being absolutely crazy about someone to pretty damn cold toward them the next day. I don't want that to be me next. I know we promised to still stay friends no matter what happened through all this. But friendships end, as does everything else...and I don't want that to happen.

I've let you hurt me more than most people have ever had half a chance to, and I'll keep letting you hurt me until I completely fall apart. Please don't. I want to be there for you, I want to help you, and I don't want to see you hurt, perhaps because that's what causes me the most pain. I can't give you a reason not to do any of it, I can't convince you to stop if only because I can't even convince myself. I can only tell you why it matters to me, why I care if you do or don't do it. Because honestly, half the time you ask me for a reason not to, I'm sitting in the exact same position, waiting for someone to tell me that.

I'm not asking you to save me. I'm not begging you to be here for me. I just want the truth, in everything, no matter how powerful or how inconsequential. So please, if you don't care, just say it; if you want to be left alone, just let me know. Right now, this is my mind, laid out in words as best as I can, trying to explain something that I don't understand. My first post on this blog was titled Verbal Nudity, and this is one of the posts that most clearly gets to exactly what that was aimed at. I'm not lying, I'm not embellishing, I'm not waffling around the truth. For once, you're getting a straight answer. And it's in writing, too.