Forced

This post will be forced. Because today as a whole has been forced. Maintaining consciousness today has been a forced and concentrated effort. Today, I have been forced. And I don't want to write. I don't want to press my fingers down and trigger the appearance of letters on my screen. But I'm forcing it, anyway. I'm making myself put phrases down, no matter how resistant my mind is to the idea of this.

I'm working through this. Pushing my entire self through this pain, both that of body and of mind. Because while I am under significance pressure physically and mentally right now from this sense of being unwell, I have had time to come to certain determinations. So as I am right now, my mind is rigidly set. My will is bent in a certain direction--although that may only consist of getting through this temporary hell.

And in that I mean not only the hell of the next couple days, but that of the next couple months as well. The only thing left to do in life on certain days is to survive. I am at this point right now. I just need to take a deep breath and make it through. I need to just lie here through the pain and wait for it to pass.

It has been a year since I've taken pain pills. I don't intend to start again now. So here I am, waiting for the miserable sensation to subside. And while this has basically lost me any enjoyment I could have had in today, I don't resent it. I just have to make it through the rest of this. I'm forcing myself through it. Bit by bit.